Resources
January 1, 2016
By Gary Younghans, LMFT
Clinical Director at Cross Connections
Gratitude is a way of life based on awareness of God’s eternal presence and his goodness. Paul writes to the church in Colosse: “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or in deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Col 3: 16 & 17) A life of gratitude knows the gifts are good, they are from God, and thankfully and humbly receives them.
May 1, 2015
by Bob Brockmann, MA, MSW
Ephesus, the city to which the Apostle Paul wrote his epistle, was a prominent city in western Asia Minor (now Turkey). The town had built a large harbor and was connected with various trade routes throughout the region. Because of this, Ephesus became a successful and sizable commercial center with a wide variety of ethnicity, culture and religion. We certainly can see some similarities with Ephesus in Paul’s time and America today. We live in a land of vast economic prosperity, unencumbered personal liberty and the unfettered pursuit of happiness. For the Christian, however, all these distractions can certainly come at a potential expense.
April 1, 2015
by Susan Reusser, LCSW
“Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.” II Corinthians 10:12
We humans LOVE to compete. From cutest baby to pee-wee soccer to Friday night lights to class rankings to climbing the corporate ladder we are always looking to be better than the other guy. As a counselor, I am knee deep daily in the stuff of human relationships. I often see the results of competition that goes way beyond sports or talent shows. What exactly is it that we are missing when we compare ourselves with others? How does this demonstrate that we just don’t understand what Christ has done?
February 1, 2015
by Susan Reusser, LCSW
With the beginning of February, the New Year is well under way. This is often the time when resolutions are abandoned. In the “bleak midwinter,” comfort food often replaces our plan to lose a few pounds, there are more parking spaces available at the gym, and our plan to read through every book in the Bible may once again dwindle into a quick verse or two before bedtime.
November 1, 2014
by Lisa Lessing, MA
When was the last time you slept through the night and woke up feeling refreshed and rested? Or, are you one who echoes Job’s words: "When I lie down I say, 'When shall I arise?' But the night continues, and I am continually tossing until dawn.” (Job 7:4).
September 1, 2014
by Matt Konow, Executive Director
This year it’s different. For the past 16 years I have had friends and family ask me the question, “Are the girls ready for school to start?” This year, however, the question that has been posed is “Are YOU ready for school to start?” The reason that the question has changed is that my wife, Amy, and I are reaching a rather significant milestone.
July 1, 2014
by Bob Brockmann MA, MSW
When we think of marriage it often produces an idealistic image of a wonderful relationship with a beautiful person who will forever share our hopes, dreams and goals. We will take romantic walks at sunset while exchanging our innermost feelings and passions. We will live in a lovely home complete with a picket fence, respectful children and a dog who is perfectly potty trained.
May 1, 2014
By Susan Reusser, LCSW
We are told in scripture that there is “nothing new under the sun .” Ecc 1:9. There are many researchers and theorists who describe human behavior and the interactions that seem to improve our relationships. It is reassuring to me to know that God, the author of marriage, family, and our community in Christ, has also given us guidance about how to live together.
March 1, 2013
By Don Luedke
By this time of year many of your New Year’s resolutions have already taken a permanent hiatus. For some of us however, we still are on course with our new resolutions. This forces us to ask ourselves some serious questions, “Why is change so difficult?” “Why are unwanted habits so hard to break?” And lastly, “How can I develop good habits that lead to lasting change?
November 1, 2012
Have you ever had a friend or family member tell you that you needed to go to counseling? They might as well have told you that you had purple skin with green spots or a banana growing out of the top of your head. As much as our culture has officially and outwardly embraced the idea that counseling is healthy and beneficial, when it is offered as a personal suggestion, we often interpret it to mean, "There is something really wrong with you! I've never met anyone as messed up as you are!" What does God's word tell us about the need to share our burdens with others? What can we accomplish in a counseling relationship that we may not be able to do alone? If I've got a relationship with Jesus, isn't that all I need?
March 1, 2013
In the Sermon on the Mount, after Jesus has encouraged us to look beyond the law to the condition of our hearts, He says, "You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48). Later, after Jesus illustrated the impossibility of human perfection to the rich young man, the man became discouraged and "left in sorrow." Jesus told his disciples, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible" Matthew 19:26.
Does God expect perfection? Are we to become perfect people in order to assure our salvation? How do we get there? Must we become perfect before we can be useful for God's kingdom? These questions are raised often in counseling. Our awareness of our inadequacy often threatens to cripple us for service in God's kingdom.
September 1, 2012
The value we place on something is often an indicator of how hard we are willing to work for it; “for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matthew 6:21). I have seen people treat their jobs better than they treat their spouses; making sure to always be there when needed, taking on problems nobody else wants, staying longer to finish assignments and sacrificing weekends and holidays for the sake of the company; “You were bought at a price, do not become slaves of men” (1 Corinthians 7:23). What would happen if we put as much effort into our marriages as we did our careers? Adam clearly spoke of how Eve was a part of him and he a part of her, then explained “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:22-25).
Read more: Christ Centered Marriage Counseling: A Cross Connection
May 1, 2013
Relationships are challenging. They are often fraught with misunderstanding, misinterpretation, and misjudging. Even the best relationships are not without trials. Perhaps life would be easiest without relationships. It can be tempting to distance oneself from others – no relationship, no pain. Maybe life alone on a desert island is the key to lasting happiness. What do you think?
Before calling your travel agent, let’s see what God says about relationships. What is his good, pleasing, and perfect will for people who live together on this earth, God’s own creation? Read the following verses from Philippians 2, paying close attention to the italicized words. “Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your
Its spring time again--but earlier this year. I look forward to the flowers in my yard, that spring "smell" in the air, and warm days that aren't too warm yet. People seem happier this time of year...I feel happier, but not every spring has been this way.
There were spring times in years past where I noticed the mud rather than the flowers. I complained about the rain rather than being thankful for that fresh spring smell, and it was either too hot or too cold for me. And those happy people....they were everywhere, and I wasn't happy at all. In fact, I found them to be exceedingly annoying. You see, I was in the middle of a really painful transition, no, really more like five at the same time.
Heart racing, my upper lip moist with perspiration, I stuttered as I recited these words, "Lord, You have been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever You had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting You are God." Psalm 90:1-2 (ESV). Was this a traumatic memory from Sunday school, parochial school or confirmation class? No, rather a recent recitation of memory work before thirty-two adults gathered to study God's Word in preparation for comforting God's people as Covenant Partners through Cross Connections.
Why does the thought of memory work create such panic for us? After all, "memory work" is what our mind does all day long from the very moment we are born. Throughout life we experience the world through our five senses and our mind catalogues it for future use. From this wealth of stored information we move, speak, learn, interact with others, make decisions, and live.
"Confession is good for the soul." Confession, repentance and forgiveness of sin allow us to connect with God. Confession is evidence of a Christian's refusal to allow sin to remain in his life. Through Jesus we can confess and repent of our sins. Through Jesus our sins are forgiven. Through Jesus we have access to God. Through Jesus we can forgive the sins of others.
God's way of forgiveness is good for the soul. It is the indispensable sign of the Christian life. Forgiveness is our greatest need and through Christ's righteousness, our greatest blessing. Forgiveness is a process at the end of which God declares that the sin has been dealt with once and for all. It is also a process in which we as God's people declare that a sin against us has been removed because of what Jesus did for us.
Sun, August 1, 2010
Have you ever found yourself wondering why a growing friendship has suddenly stopped growing or a buddy at work has no time for your customary a.m. coffee break when everything seemed fine just the day before? You probably have your own examples of squelched relationships that have left you scratching your head and rubbing your brow. "What happened?" you ask yourself. But, you really have no answer. You can't think of anything that could have damaged the relationship – yet the relationship is obviously damaged.
Two of the most common culprits that hurt relationships are "jumping to conclusions" and "mind-reading". Both involve the assumption that someone can ascertain another's motives just by what they do or say, or don't do or say without checking it out, or that one can judge another's sincerity and intent. Let me give you an example.
Thu, July 1, 2010
I recently read the results of a survey that confirmed what I hear so often in my counseling office. The survey asked divorced couples, "How did you know when your marriage was in trouble?" The most frequent response given was..."when the friendship wasn't there anymore." Friends provide us with many things that bring us fulfillment: activities to do together, conversation, honest disagreement, shared concerns, acceptance, forgiveness, support, joy and loving care. Relationships are what make life meaningful. God had these things and more in mind when He designed marriage. The added ingredient in the marriage friendship was that it would endure for a lifetime; until death ended the relationship. It was based on His perfect relationships within the Trinity. Man and woman were made in God's image and the marriage relationship was designed to be a picture of the Triune God. You might say to yourself, "Oh come on, that sounds nice but it isn't real." Actually it is very real indeed.
Tue, June 1, 2010
You'll be reading this in June, but I'm writing it in May; and the month of May always causes me to reminisce a bit. Confirmations, Mother's Day, Graduations, and Memorial Day stir up memories past and create memories present. These are times when families often gather to celebrate each other and savor springtime days. When I was a child, family almost always meant mom, dad, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Families were intact, parents (and grandparents) were married to each other, children lived with both parents, and step-parents were found mainly in fairy tales.
The configuration of families has certainly changed in 50 years. I recall a class in my social work program more than a decade ago where students were asked to list various types of family units. Some of the suggestions at that time were: single parent families, grandparents raising grandchildren families, blended families, homosexual families, and step-families. I'm sure there are more family types, but it seems safe to say that many, many family units are no longer like those of the 1950s with one dad, one mom, and 2.5 kids (ideally one boy and one girl.)
Stress! We all have it. Every child and adult feels stressed sometimes. Stress is nothing new. In the Old Testament, Job cried out, "The churning inside me never stops; days of suffering confront me" (Job 30:27). Think of New Testament Christians, Paul and Silas, feet bound in stocks in a dark prison with a jailer standing guard over them. They had just been severely flogged, ridiculed and attacked by a huge crowd of people (Acts 16:22-40.) Do you think stress was a part of their lives? You bet it was!
Stress is no respecter of the ages, and neither is it a respecter of age. A survey of 875 kids aged 9 to 13 named the following as the top stressors in their lives:
• Grades, school, homework – 36%
• Family – 32%
• Friends – 21%
• Brothers and sisters – 20%
• Mean or annoying people – 20%
Many couples who I counsel ask me these questions, "How come we did fine as a couple until we got married? Where did the love go? Is it the stress of children? Is it that we have to spend too much time at our work just to support the family? Is it that we just got bored in our relationship after a certain period of time?"
Can marriages actually thrive and not just survive in today's fast paced culture? God's Word tells us, "yes" that God intended marriage to be durable, permanent, and intimate. He is very clear in Genesis that He established it for reasons that were essential to our well-being. "It is not good for man to be alone" and man shall leave his primary relationship with his parents to become "one flesh" with his wife, and that husband and wife are capable of the God-given privilege of creating new life as an expression of their love. That sounds like thriving to me.
Read more: Love and Marriage Goes Together Like a Hourse and Carriage: Not Always!
I remember well receiving a pink covered autograph book for my fifth birthday. Delighted, I went from person to person over the next months soliciting them to pen noteworthy words to me; even the unsuspecting but kind man who wrote, "to the little girl who is always good when the insurance man comes."
Over the next years I read and reread the many words and sentiments, committing several of the verses to memory simply by the number of times they were savored. My grandma's poem about a purple cow conjured up for me fields of lavender jerseys and glasses overflowing with violet milk. My godmother's start of "Who's my favorite little missy?" (which was, of course, me) assured me of her love. But, it's my mother's verse that I will share with you completely because it is the basis for this article. She wrote,
Question: "My husband and I have been married for eleven years. He has a successful business in which he works long hours while I care for our two young children and our home. He usually gives me a special gift for Valentine's Day, but to tell the truth, I would rather just spend a quiet evening with him. I try to explain this to him but he usually becomes hurt and we argue. How can I avoid this problem this year?"
While your husband's gifts to you are intended to express love, it seems that you would gladly do without the gifts in return for some of his undivided attention. Many couples experience similar stress in their marriages. Dr. Gary Chapman believes these tensions have their roots in the different ways we communicate. In his book The 5 Love Languages he states that, "We are expressing our love, but the message does not come through because we are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language." Dr. Chapman explains that our love language is how we understand and share emotional love, and he identifies five of them:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Parents! God instructs you to teach your children his ways. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Teach your children to choose the right path, and when they are older, they will remain upon it" (New Living Translation (NLT).)
Teaching is active! Deuteronomy 6 is a command to teach God's laws. Verse seven says, "Repeat them (the laws) again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are away on a journey, when you are lying down and when you are getting up again" (NLT.) That pretty much covers it, doesn't it? It seems we are always home, away from home, going to bed, or getting up! So, we are to teach the ways of God all the time.
God's Word doesn't give us commands without giving us a means to carry out those commands. The bible is a wonderful instruction book. 2 Timothy 3:16 says, "All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It straightens us out and teaches us to do what is right" (NLT.) This passage is present tense! The bible still does these things – right now in 2007.
It's January, 2010. Wow! I can't believe it. When I was a teen I remember wondering how it would feel to live in the 21st century. In the 1960s it seemed like a million years away instead of a mere forty. But here I am— 10 years into the time that I wondered about and while some things have changed, a lot remains the same.
One of the commonalities between 1965 and 2010 is the post-holiday let down that many people experience at this time of year. Sometimes it even takes the form of a mild to moderate depression. Often the reasons for this drop in mood are easy to understand: a few weeks of fun and frenzy and family and glitter and gifts and winter wonderland and white Christmas have melted into the reality of a rather drab, cold, long winter. The parties are over, the decorations are put away, the family is back to bickering, and spring break is not even on the horizon. Other times the reasons for the post-holiday blahs are more subtle: financial stressors due to the cost of Christmas 2009, weight gain accompanied by energy loss due to holiday goodies, fatigue due to emotional and physical stressors and unrealistic expectations throughout the season, loneliness that is more pronounced now that the celebrations have ceased, the realization that things put off until after Christmas have now become pressing, or already broken New Year's resolutions.
Is bullying a problem for your child? In one survey of 4,000 children aged 5-16, 60% indicated that they had experienced bullying. Another study confirmed that 51% of children had experienced bullying. According to these statistics there is more than a 50% chance that your child has or will experience bullying. What is an appropriate response to this information?
Teach your child to recognize bullying. Open the lines of communication by talking to your kids about bullying. Define bullying so your child knows what it is. "Getting wisdom is the most important thing you can do. Whatever else you get, get insight" (Proverbs 4:7). Our children must have a clear understanding of what bullying is in order to recognize it and protect themselves and others. If the following are true, it's bullying:
Deliberate hostility and aggression
Let's talk about something that has probably touched every Christian at one time or another—the prodigal child, the one who rejects his parents values, morals, or faith. As Christians in 2009, we will encounter parents who are hurt and disappointed by the choices which their teen or adult children have made. Hurt caused by "prodigal" kids takes many forms, but in all cases Romans 5:8 holds true. If we seek to be Christ-like it follows that our hearts will be merciful and loving even in the most tragic times. A father once said, "That parents have broken hearts may not be normal, but it certainly isn't abnormal" (Parents with Broken Hearts, Coleman.)
Ask yourself this question: How many parents can I think of who are heartbroken because the choices of their children? If you're like most, it would only take a few minutes to compile a list of names and the reason for the pain – homosexuality, living together outside of marriage, premarital sex, abortion, drug or alcohol use, pornography, teenage pregnancy, law breaking, imprisonment, suicide attempts, failing grades, quitting school, extreme debt, fired from jobs, lying, cheating, violence, and the most heartbreaking for Christian parents, rejection of the faith.
Sat, October 3, 2009
Q: I've been divorced for almost two years. I've met a great guy and I'm considering marriage. I have two preteens. I don't want the same thing to happen in a second marriage and I'm concerned about my kids. Do you have any advice?
A: Remarriage is a major decision for every person at any stage of life. It is very important to consider what effects your previous relationship will have upon this one. Our past experiences affect us more than we realize and often more than we want them to. Looking back at your former marriage may elicit feelings and thoughts you hoped were gone forever. There are a number of tasks you must work through before you are ready to remarry:
Resolve the Previous Marriage
50% of people remain angry at their ex-spouse 10 years after the divorce. If you fall into that category, work to resolve that anger by assessing your own role in the break-up of the marriage. No one is ever faultless! Confess your wrongs to God. If possible, ask forgiveness of and offer forgiveness to your former spouse.
Assess and evaluate what you learned from the previous marriage. Identify at least three positive and three negative lessons. Recognition is the first step toward resolving a problem.
Q: I'm ashamed to say that my co-worker and I often engage in angry conflict. We're both Christians, but we're both stubborn also. We can't seem to solve this problem and it's really hurting our relationship. What do you suggest?
A: When faced with a problem, everyone has the potential to become angry. Mishandled anger is one of the major roadblocks to communication and often leads to conflict. In the New Testament, Paul distinguishes the feeling of anger from the behavior that follows anger (Ephesians 4:26-27.) We clearly have choices about how to deal with the emotion. It need not control us. God accepts anger as a normal experience in life but points out that the way we deal with choices to manage it makes all the difference in our relationships.
Mary Kassian, in the book Conversation Peace, says that God-pleasing communication is sacrificial because the focus is not on self, but on others. In God-pleasing communication it is more important to understand than to be understood, to listen than to be listened to, and to give than to receive. The writer of Proverbs 18:13 agrees and says, "He who answers before listening – that is his folly and shame."
Q: Most pastors and laypeople are well aware of physical abuse and how destructive it is. However, there also is emotional, verbal and psychological abuse that is certainly as hurtful, and perhaps even more destructive.
Author Denise George has a new book titled, "What Women Wish Pastors Knew." She illustrates a case in which the husband wanted to control his wife's every move "through intimidating manipulation." He keeps her isolated from friends and family, and tells her she is stupid and worthless. She says this woman was "so beaten down emotionally that she endures his ... demeaning insults."
Charles Colson states that "Shocking as it may seem, domestic abuse is about as common in Christian homes as it is anywhere else. But too often, churches ignore the problem. Most pastors haven't been trained to deal with it and have no idea how to help or protect abused women, especially when the husband appears outwardly charming, easy-going and pious."
How can Christians best deal with this problem?
A: The signs of emotional abuse are often overlooked and easy to deny. Emotional abuse is the consistent pattern of being treated unfairly and unjustly over a period of time by one person distorting another person's sense of self resulting in the victim allowing the abuser to control him or her. Sometimes the abusers are aware of what they are doing and sometimes they are not.
Q: I have a five year-old son who gets really mad every time I tell him no. I'm worried that he will throw a huge temper tantrum next fall the first time his kindergarten teacher tells him to do something he doesn't want to do. Can you help?
A: Anger is something we all struggle with to some degree. At age five, your son is starting to understand that anger can be a powerful tool that usually gets quick attention from adults.
In order to answer your question, I'm going to make the assumption that, at least some of the time, you give in to his anger and your "no" changes to a "maybe" or even to a "yes". If that's true, then it seems to me that he's playing the odds that if he reacts with an angry response, you might change your mind. Even if there is only a one in ten chance that you will back off, it's worth the energy it takes to scowl, or yell, or stomp, or cry.
Q: Why do happy events often leave me feeling sad and melancholy?
A: Even in the middle of joyful events, pangs of sadness often bubble to the surface, don't they?
The culprit is actually change. Change is a mixed bag. Sometimes we recognize change as bad -- job loss, death, divorce, illness. When bad change occurs we can easily understand and accept the feelings that occur as a normal part of grief and loss.
But why do we cry at weddings? Why do we feel sick when we drop off our "baby" at college? Why do we feel so forlorn when we've worked so hard for the retirement that's finally here?
The culprit is still change. Even when the change is long anticipated and presumed to be happy and normal, grief and loss occur. You see, good change still brings loss of some sort.
