May 1, 2013
Relationships are challenging. They are often fraught with misunderstanding, misinterpretation, and misjudging. Even the best relationships are not without trials. Perhaps life would be easiest without relationships. It can be tempting to distance oneself from others – no relationship, no pain. Maybe life alone on a desert island is the key to lasting happiness. What do you think?
Before calling your travel agent, let’s see what God says about relationships. What is his good, pleasing, and perfect will for people who live together on this earth, God’s own creation? Read the following verses from Philippians 2, paying close attention to the italicized words. “Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. 3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. 5 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus…”
Christians! Even if the loner life is sometimes tempting, God has other ideas. “How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!” (Psalm 133:1)
Having established that God desires his sons and daughters to live in unity having the same mindset as Jesus, let’s talk about one way that this might be achieved. How do we really get to know one another? How do we move from neighbors who occasionally say, “hi” to a community of intimacy in terms of knowing and supporting one another?
In his book, Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer suggests that we start with a ministry of listening. “The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them.” (pg. 97)
Listening is a skill that takes determination and practice. Someone once said to me, “To really test your listening skills, try listening to someone at a church potluck with many people around you, and keep your eyes only on the person talking and your ears tuned to her every word.” Try it. It’s difficult, but gets easier with practice. That’s the sort of listening that grows relationships and it’s much different from listening out of politeness or obligation, only half listening while planning your grocery list, composing what you are going to say when you get the chance, interrupting, or impatiently looking at the clock while waiting for your turn. Proverbs says it clearly, “to answer before listening—that is folly and shame.”
In counseling circles we often talk about empathic listening. Empathy is feeling for others. Empathy is walking in another’s shoes. It means being truly able to share in their joys and suffering. It is listening with understanding and compassion as we put ourselves into the other person’s circumstances. I once had a counseling supervisor who claimed that no one will make lasting change toward another person unless he makes a concerted effort to understand the challenges (or joys) that the other person is facing. Empathy does that. As Steven Covey says in his “7 Habits” books, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Is empathy specifically mentioned in the Bible? No, but it does indirectly refer to empathy. The apostle Peter counseled Christians to have “compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous . . .” (1 Peter 3:8 NKJV). The apostle Paul suggested similar sentiments when he urged fellow Christians to “rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:15).
The word compassion defines for us the deep inner mercy of God. (www.gotquestions.org) As always, Jesus is our model for all that is his good, pleasing, and perfect will for us. Being empathic doesn’t just happen. It is something that is learned by feeling deeply and paying very close attention to the real feelings of others. It is learned by listening closely and seeking to understand. It is learned by studying and imitating the actions and reactions of our Savior as he deals with us and others. He was moved with compassion for the people, because they were weary and scattered, like sheep having no shepherd (Matthew 9:35-36). As we practice empathic listening, we can care for others compassionately . . . just as God cares for us.
Terrie Ensley, LCSW, ACSW
Read more: http://www.gotquestions.org/Bible-empathy.html#ixzz2QaLxBx3S
