Its spring time again--but earlier this year. I look forward to the flowers in my yard, that spring "smell" in the air, and warm days that aren't too warm yet. People seem happier this time of year...I feel happier, but not every spring has been this way.
There were spring times in years past where I noticed the mud rather than the flowers. I complained about the rain rather than being thankful for that fresh spring smell, and it was either too hot or too cold for me. And those happy people....they were everywhere, and I wasn't happy at all. In fact, I found them to be exceedingly annoying. You see, I was in the middle of a really painful transition, no, really more like five at the same time.
Transition, what is that? The dictionary on the internet says it's a "passage from one form, state, style, or place to another," which is a good definition. But when you're the one going through a transition it really just sounds like a pretty word for loss, which in many instances is anything but pretty. Although we often ignore them, we have losses of one sort or another every day. Whenever something changes there is an element of loss. We celebrate some changes: new job, new baby, weddings, graduations, and many more. But, there is an element of loss and we're forced to transition through it. With the new job may come loss of seeing coworkers I really liked. With that new baby there is significantly less time for me! Parents feel loss as their children graduate or get married. Perhaps those children may feel loss of the family they must leave behind as they transition to this new chapter in their lives.
More losses include: job loss, a move to a new place, a relationship break up, loss of a friendship, loss through declining health, loss of feelings of safety following a trauma, and even loss of a cherished but unrealized dream. Then there are those losses that we dread. The ones that stop us in our tracks. Can anyone relate to that feeling when your heart has been ripped out and there is a gaping hole that has no bottom to it? We immediately think of death as that type of loss, and it is of course. But there are others that fit into this category as well. Miscarriages and infertility are losses that are devastating. Losses related to chronic illness or disability are often broad and complicated as they touch many areas of life all at the same time. We ask ourselves, "How will I survive this?"
So, how do I respond to loss? How do I transition to the next"form, state, style, place?" Well, I'm afraid I have to say hello to grief. I don't want to. It's painful. It's lonely. It's dark. But it won't go away no matter how much I try to ignore it. There was a part of me that thought I migh tbe spared this much pain. I'm a Christian, God will save me from this, right? Well, maybe not in the way I had hoped....
I am empty. I am overwhelmed. I either feel all consuming sadness or nothing at all. I know what it means to be weary now. It's different than tired, but I'm tired too. Where is God? He can't possibly be here if I feel this bad. "...a man of suffering and familiar with pain" (Isaiah 53:3). Or can he? Grief has made me slow down. I feel so empty. But, you know, sometimes it's easier to hear that "still, small voice" when there aren't so many distractions. His voice actually sounds kind of loud at times in this emptiness. Do you really know my pain? "Jesus sobbed" (John 11:35 NIRV). I'm angry. I'm angry at you God. Sometimes I feel like I don't even like you anymore God--did I just say that? Is it ok to be angry at you? "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness (Lamentations 3:22-23) "This is love: not that we loved God,but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins" (I John 4:10).
Thank you for loving me even when I'm angry and for forgiving me when I say mean things, but I don't understand this. If one more person tells me that this horror is part of your plan I'm going to scream. What is your plan anyway? Why won't you take this pain away? My dear child, you do not understand."For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom" (I Corinthians 1:25). You need to grieve. Trust me, I know what you need. "When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The 'worst' is never the worst." (Lamentations 3: 28-30, The Message).
But I can't feel you here with me. "...the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way." (Lamentations 3: 31-33, The Message). It's hard to trust you..."For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." (Isaiah 41:13).
But how will God Help? I believe one of the primary things God seeks to show us in grief is to let other people help you. This kind of thinking runs counter to our "I can do it" American values. Accepting help should be easy to do because we were created for community. "It is not good for the man to bealone. I will make a helper suitable for him." Genesis 2:18. But, for most of us, it's not easy. For some it may come down to a matter of obedience to God in allowing others to perform their ministry in our lives. That ministry may come from the friend who calls and is content to listen, even when she's heard your story many times. It may be the person from your church who you don't know, but she felt she needed to bring you a meal. How about the neighbor who plants flowers in your front yard so something looks beautiful when you look out? Or,it may take a different form.
There are those who seek training to be present for people who are hurting in the body of Christ. It could be that Stephen Minister who offers you a cup of cold water on one of those days when it just feels too hot. Or perhaps a Covenant Partner who really doesn't mind getting his shoes a little muddy as he walks with you through your grief. It could even be a professional counselor who loves the Lord and is blessed to hold the umbrella while you and the sky cry in unison.
Grief is long--always longer than we want it to be. Grief is hard. Sometimes words feel hollow, even kind ones.God can and will be there for you in your grief. Let Him and those through whom He works walk with you. Invite them into your world, no matter how ugly you think it is. "Look at me. I stand at the door. I knock. If you hear me call and open the door, I'll come right in and sit down to supper with you." (Revelation 3:20,The Message).
When I look back, I think what I really wanted from God was for him to rescue me from my grief. And He didn't. Instead, He saved me in His way and in His time by being ever present as I worked through and continue to work through the most difficult transitions of my life."I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned..." (Isaiah 43:2).
AllBible verses taken from the NIV unless otherwise noted.
