Sun, August 1, 2010
Have you ever found yourself wondering why a growing friendship has suddenly stopped growing or a buddy at work has no time for your customary a.m. coffee break when everything seemed fine just the day before? You probably have your own examples of squelched relationships that have left you scratching your head and rubbing your brow. "What happened?" you ask yourself. But, you really have no answer. You can't think of anything that could have damaged the relationship – yet the relationship is obviously damaged.
Two of the most common culprits that hurt relationships are "jumping to conclusions" and "mind-reading". Both involve the assumption that someone can ascertain another's motives just by what they do or say, or don't do or say without checking it out, or that one can judge another's sincerity and intent. Let me give you an example.
Sally and Mary met at their church and looked forward to seeing each other every Sunday. Both women had expressed a desire to deepen their friendship by meeting for prayer time once a week and planned to start doing that in the fall. Last Sunday, Mary saw Sally in the back of the church talking to someone else.
Here's what happened next from Mary's perspective: As Mary approached, Sally "ducked out" the back door to avoid her. "She must not value their friendship after all," Mary thought. Mary was very hurt. She didn't understand why Sally would avoid her. Mary's hurt then turned to anger and she decided to give tit for tat. The very next Sunday, Mary made sure to snub Sally. "Now she'll know how it feels," thought Mary.
Sally was hurt. She didn't understand at all. She recalled seeing Mary the previous Sunday. She was in a hurry because her husband and kids were already in the van and they were late to a family birthday party. Someone had stopped her just as she was going out the door to ask about the upcoming LWML meeting and she was trying to be polite but she was getting s-t-r-e-s-s-e-d. She remembered thinking, "Oh, I wish I had time to talk to Mary. I'll call her later and I'm sure she'll understand." Now she was left scratching her head, rubbing her brow, and wondering what had happened.
Do you recognize how Mary jumped to conclusions (Sally "ducked out" to avoid Mary)? Can you detect some mind-reading (Sally must not value their friendship)? Do you see how the erroneous assumptions made by Mary escalated, taking her from hurt to anger (both feelings) to retaliation (action based on feelings.) Do you see how Sally was blindsided by Mary; not given the slightest opportunity to respond or explain? Let's consider two ways to deal with the problems of "jumping to conclusions" and "mind-reading":
Prevention: Many passages in Scripture help with this, but I especially like Galatians 5:15 (The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." ) and 1 Corinthians 13:7: ([Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.) First God gives us the directive to love in Galatians and then, in 1 Corinthians, He tells us how love looks in action. When I was in school (circa 1960s), the last sentence of Luther's explanation of the eighth commandment (You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor) was, "And put the best construction on everything." Newer publications of the catechism say, "And explain everything in the kindest way." Lou Priolo writes, "Practically speaking, this means that if there are ten possible explanations for an action you understood me to take, nine of which are bad, and only one of which is good, unless there is some form of verifiable evidence to the contrary, love requires you to reject the nine and accept the one" (Judgments, page 20-21.) By going to the best case scenario instead of the worst case scenario, many relationship glitches would be solved before they become problems. Sometimes a decision to believe the good is all that is needed to protect the relationship. However, it can also provide the time needed to talk to the person and get the real facts.
Prescription: As imperfect people, there will be times when we do make rash judgments. God has an answer for that too: repentance and confession. Repentance is sorrow over sin and a desire to realign thinking and behavior so that it agrees with God's will for us. With my clients I often talk about "putting off and putting on" thinking and behavior (Ephesians 4:22-24). In this case, it means that as we put off the habit of making rash judgments, we must put on the habit of explaining everything in the kindness way. Real change almost always involves replacing one thought or behavior with another. Confession of the sin to God and to the person follows closely. "I am sorry that I thought badly of you. Will you please forgive me?" While an attempt to understand the root of the problem is a plus for the friendship, it is not a pre-condition of repentance and confession for the one who has sinned against another.
My friends, God's children are not to be the cause of strife with their neighbors. To the extent that we're able, we are to live at peace with those around us. "Jumping to conclusions" and "mind-reading" are out; "checking the facts" and "believing the best" are in. St. Paul sums it up, "Dear brothers and sisters, I close my letter with these last words: Be joyful. Grow to maturity. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace. Then the God of love and peace will be with you." (2 Corinthians 13:11, NLT)
