Thu, July 1, 2010
I recently read the results of a survey that confirmed what I hear so often in my counseling office. The survey asked divorced couples, "How did you know when your marriage was in trouble?" The most frequent response given was..."when the friendship wasn't there anymore." Friends provide us with many things that bring us fulfillment: activities to do together, conversation, honest disagreement, shared concerns, acceptance, forgiveness, support, joy and loving care. Relationships are what make life meaningful. God had these things and more in mind when He designed marriage. The added ingredient in the marriage friendship was that it would endure for a lifetime; until death ended the relationship. It was based on His perfect relationships within the Trinity. Man and woman were made in God's image and the marriage relationship was designed to be a picture of the Triune God. You might say to yourself, "Oh come on, that sounds nice but it isn't real." Actually it is very real indeed.
What we as Christians so often forget is that our real God intended our real relationships to be the very thing that convinces those around us of the reality of our Triune God . The Holy Spirit being the encourager, comforter, and inspiration to the Father and Jesus; Jesus being the listener and the lover of the Father and the Spirit; and the Father being the procreator, provider, and unifier of the Son and the Spirit make up the picture of the Trinity, three persons, equal and one. God's innate understanding of relational harmony shows us a perfect model of selfless giving, never-ending encouragement, and powerful unity.
Fashioned after the Trinity, God designed Adam and Eve so that the goal of their union was interdependence and not independence, to be one, cleaving to each other as the story in Genesis reveals. This means that as spouses we have a responsibility to deny self and allow the Holy Spirit to put to death our natural inclination to be self-centered. It means that just as Jesus shared with his disciples the things that the Father shared with Him, so in marriage we are to share what is on our hearts with our own spouse. As friends we need to be confidants to our marriage partner, comfortable telling and listening to each others' needs. It means responding to those needs out of love as friends, not enemies. Finally it means that like the Holy Spirit dwelling in us, reminding us of the Father's longing for us, we need to spend enough time with our spouse to recognize when the other needs encouragement, affirmation of our love, and reconciliation for wrongs done to each other.
Friendship with our spouse can make a difference in his/her spiritual walk with the Lord. Pray for your spouse as you would a friend. Comfort and confront him/her lovingly if that is necessary as Galatians 6 suggests. Jesus prayed fervently for His disciples to be strong when they were tempted in John 17. He took an active role in turning them back to God. Being that kind of a friend to a spouse might mean talking to him/her about a potentially destructive lifestyle, a loose tongue, or a negative attitude about church. Sin causes devastation even among the best of marriages. Make your marriage relationship a safe haven for spiritual honesty but remember to look honestly at your own sins first.
God was so wise in His design for man and woman in the marriage relationship. He knew that "two are better than one...for if they fall, one will lift up his companion." From the beginning of time, God made it clear that it is not good for His people to be alone. God designed marriage for us to cooperate, to live together in harmony, and to accomplish more together than separately. God did not create us to achieve our own goals, rather, to learn a little bit of what the love of the Godhead is like. When difficult times come, we find strength and comfort and encouragement in the friendship of a spouse who cares about us and is committed to staying with us no matter what. God knew that it would be overwhelming to face those times alone. The marriage relationship gives us a picture of the Trinity: unity of purpose, motivated by love, and completely committed. The book of Ephesians describes the friendship that was first designed for Adam and Eve. It is still God's design for our marriages today, that the world will know Him by our love for one another.
What does it mean to be friends with your marriage partner?
1. Spend time with each other as friends. Know your partner well.
2. Recognize your spouse's emotional needs and why he/she behaves the way he/she does.
3. Comfort your husband or wife when he/she needs comfort.
4. Encourage your marriage partner when he/she is down.
5. Lift him/her up when no one else does.
6. Inspire your partner to be all that God created him/her to be.
7. Listen to his/her needs and respond to them as best you can.
8. Dare to dream with your spouse, even if the dream seems impossible.
9. Pray with your partner and for him/her.
10. Love your husband or wife and sacrifice for him/her.
11. Stay with him/her no matter what.
If you have a topic that you would like the staff of Cross Connections to address in The Fort Wayne Lutheran, please call Terrie Ensley at (260) 744-3228, ext. 306, or email her at
Kathy Eggold, L.M.H.C. is the Lead Counselor for Professional Counselors at Cross Connections. She is a member of Bethlehem Lutheran Church.
