Tue, June 1, 2010
You'll be reading this in June, but I'm writing it in May; and the month of May always causes me to reminisce a bit. Confirmations, Mother's Day, Graduations, and Memorial Day stir up memories past and create memories present. These are times when families often gather to celebrate each other and savor springtime days. When I was a child, family almost always meant mom, dad, children, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Families were intact, parents (and grandparents) were married to each other, children lived with both parents, and step-parents were found mainly in fairy tales.
The configuration of families has certainly changed in 50 years. I recall a class in my social work program more than a decade ago where students were asked to list various types of family units. Some of the suggestions at that time were: single parent families, grandparents raising grandchildren families, blended families, homosexual families, and step-families. I'm sure there are more family types, but it seems safe to say that many, many family units are no longer like those of the 1950s with one dad, one mom, and 2.5 kids (ideally one boy and one girl.)
Now, I'm not suggesting that the families of years ago were perfect. Oh no. They had their share of dysfunction as is sometimes evidenced by my counseling clients who were raised in those homes. But, what the homes of the mid 20th century did have going for them was stability in relationship. Most of the children could count on the longevity of their parents' marriage, as well as those of their grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Most of them were involved in a church home where they witnessed more parents who were married and stayed married. Grandparents could be grandma and grandpa, not mom and dad. The phrase blended families had not yet been coined. And, although we can't go back to those days, I feel more than a bit of sadness that the norm today is often so much different and here's why: RAISING KIDS IS HARD AND WHEN WE ADD INSTABILITY IN RELATIONSHIP IT MAKES IT EVEN HARDER.
Instability in relationship happens for kids anytime a parent is displaced, the relationship between parents is strained, or the relationship between the child and parent is unreliable. This could happen when a divorce occurs, a step-parent is introduced, a parent dies, a single parent dates-breaks up-dates again, or a parent is absent emotionally or physically. Instability in relationships complicates the already difficult job of parenting and disrupts the normal stages of childhood.
Often parents are unaware or have little insight as to the effects instability in relationship has on children. One of the most common effects is the inability to count on established family patterns, which leaves a child with the feeling of being powerless. When one person in the family system leaves or another joins, the whole family must change and adapt. While change normally happens gradually in intact families, it happens in jolts and jerks in families where relationships come and go or are uncertain. Children thrive best when things at home are fairly predictable. Adults, too, are able to parent best when things at home are fairly predictable. When relationships are unpredictable, this unpredictability takes center stage as families try to figure out new roles and ways to live together. During periods of adjustment, which can take years, the normal goals of parenting can go by the wayside.
What is the goal of Christian parents? It is to raise kids who love God and desire to serve Him and others for all of their life. This is the task for all parents – married, single, divorced, widowed, adoptive, and all others. God gives additional instructions to parents in His word. He tells them to (quoted from www.GotQuestions.org):
Be available – morning, noon, and night (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)
Be involved – interacting, discussing, thinking and processing life together (Ephesians 6:4)
Teach – the Scriptures, a biblical world-view (Psalm 78:5-6, Deuteronomy 4:10, Ephesians 6:4)
Train – helping a child develop skills and discover his strengths (Proverbs 22:6)
Discipline – teaching the fear of the Lord, drawing the line consistently, lovingly, firmly (Ephesians 6:4, Hebrews 12:5-11, Proverbs 13:24, 19:18, 22:15, 23:13-14, 29:15-17)
Nurture – providing an environment of constant verbal support, freedom to fail, acceptance, affection, unconditional love, (Titus 2:4, Ephesians 4:29-32, Galatians 5:22, 1 Peter 3:8-9)
Model with Integrity – living what you say, being a model by which a child can learn by "catching" the essence of godly living (Deuteronomy 4:9; Proverbs 10:9, 11:3; Psalm 37:18, 37).
As you can see, parenting is not for the faint of heart and, ideally, a mom and dad will stay together for a lifetime to raise their own children to love the Lord, and to encourage their adult children as they bring up the next generation of children to love the Lord. God's plan is ideal!
Parents, keeping your marriage strong is a priority! if your marriage is struggling, don't give up easily. You have entered into a covenant with your spouse and you have been blessed with children. Seek help with the full intention of repairing your marriage to God's glory and the good of your family.
Young people, be careful with your bodies. Sex produces babies and there is no birth control that is 100% foolproof except abstinence. Children need an intact home with adult parents who love one another. Wait for the blessing of a Godly marriage to be sexually intimate.
Step-parents, love your step-child gently. Give her time to know you before you expect her to accept you. Encourage her to love and respect both of her biological parents. It's natural, normal, and honorable. In time, with patience, she will find that her heart will stretch to love you too. Reflect the heart of Jesus as you patiently wait.
Single parents, stand firm! Whatever the reason for your situation, your child is dependent on you to provide stability and direction. You are his family! Carefully choose your adult relationships and the people you bring into your child's life. God will strengthen you and provide all that you need. He promised and His promises are sure!
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