Stress! We all have it. Every child and adult feels stressed sometimes. Stress is nothing new. In the Old Testament, Job cried out, "The churning inside me never stops; days of suffering confront me" (Job 30:27). Think of New Testament Christians, Paul and Silas, feet bound in stocks in a dark prison with a jailer standing guard over them. They had just been severely flogged, ridiculed and attacked by a huge crowd of people (Acts 16:22-40.) Do you think stress was a part of their lives? You bet it was!
Stress is no respecter of the ages, and neither is it a respecter of age. A survey of 875 kids aged 9 to 13 named the following as the top stressors in their lives:
• Grades, school, homework – 36%
• Family – 32%
• Friends – 21%
• Brothers and sisters – 20%
• Mean or annoying people – 20%
In this same survey only 1 in 5 or 20% of the kids said they talked to parents when they are upset, but a whopping 75% said they'd like their parents to help them during times of stress. This is what kids said would help: talk calmly together, help them feel better (hugs help sometimes), give them attention, do something together, help them solve the problem, help them get their minds off the problem, and pray with them.
Nearly a third of adults report experiencing "extreme stress" according to a survey from the American Psychological Association. The results also tell us that: nearly one in five (17%) reach their highest stress level 15 or more days per month, and almost half (48%) say their stress level has risen over the last five years. Stress didn't come as a surprise. Most participants indicated that stress is a natural part of life. But the survey shows that participants are suffering physically, emotionally, professionally, and personally as a result of stress. Adults rate their greatest stressors as follows:
Work – 74%
Money – 73%
Workload – 66%
Children – 64%
Family responsibilities – 60%
Health concerns – 55%
Health problems affecting spouse, partner, or children – 55%
Health problems affecting parents or other family members – 53%
Housing costs (e.g. rent or mortgage) – 51%
Intimate relationships – 47%
Stress come in three types: potent, persevering, and perceptual. Potent stress is the result of a sudden event. In potent stress the emotion peaks and subsides rather quickly. For adults, an example of potent stress might be that your child has the flu and throws up on your brand new carpet. An example for the school-aged child is a teacher giving a surprise quiz when he hasn't read the material. A preschooler might feel potent stress if the television breaks during her favorite program.
Persevering stress is the result of ongoing, constant, or consistent events. For adults, persevering stress could occur if your family income is never quite enough to pay all the bills. For the school-aged child it could occur if he has trouble making friends and is lonely. A preschooler's persevering stress could be because she is consistently unhappy at daycare.
Perceptual stress is the result of expectations. It stems from a person's own belief about how things should be. "Should" is the key word. For instance, an adult could suffer perceptual stress when the dishes are left undone and she thinks dishes should always be washed and put away before bed. A school-aged child might experience perceptual stress when he believes that a teacher should never give homework on the weekends and is slammed with a huge assignment on Friday afternoon. A preschooler might feel perceptual stress if it is her belief that she should always have macaroni and cheese for lunch and is served a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead.
We all handle stress in one way or another. It's unavoidable! Let's first learn about two unhealthy ways to handle stress. Which of the following is your style?
1. You blow up! When stressor after stressor is piled on, your stress level grows and grows until you explode. Blowing up means that distress is expressed outwardly and aggressively. Adults may become irritable, impatient, sarcastic, blaming, or argumentative. Children might argue, pester, disobey, cry, whine, or yell.
2. You clam up! As the stressors keep on coming you check out by avoiding or hiding. Clamming up is inward and passive. Refusing to talk, excessive sleeping, isolating, spending lots of time on the computer, overeating, drugs, and alcohol can all be part of clamming up for adults. A passive response for both adults and children is giving up or refusing to try. Children, especially, might complain of stomach aches or other physical symptoms.
There are also, of course, healthy ways to handle stress. We'll discuss four:
1. Be proactive. Anticipate stress and plan ahead. What are obvious stressors for you or for your family? Holidays? Vacations? Deadlines? Ask yourself what can be done to decrease the stress. What has to be done and what can be left out? Make a list and work ahead. Enlist help in making decisions that will benefit you and your family.
2. Make changes. Sometimes your best plans become your worst nightmares. It's good to make adjustments when this occurs. You can't be expected to anticipate everything! For instance, if you are going crazy because your children have scouts, dance, soccer, and piano on the same night, change or drop an activity. Reevaluate priorities.
3. Talk it out. Build a trusted relationship with another Christian. Spend time getting to know each other so that when the going gets tough you feel good about talking honestly about your situation. Find someone who is a good listener as well as a trusted advisor. Return the favor! Build a solid relationship with your children in non-stressful times. This sets the stage for conversation when anxiety comes their way.
4. Evaluate the expectations that are based on your perspective. Are you setting the bar too high? Are you inflexible? Are you the only one who holds that perspective? If so, perhaps you need to reconsider your position. Expectations can be clarified (made clear to self and/or others,) modified (altered a little or a lot,) abandoned (given up completely,) or clung to (stubbornly refuse to change.) Clinging to unrealistic expectations will cause stress to skyrocket. Loosen your grip!
When considering the cause of stress in children, sometimes a little detective work is in order. It isn't always caused by the obvious. Here's what a group of 7 & 8 year olds kids had to say about the stress associated with returning to school after summer vacation:
• I'm not looking forward to school because of the chicken nuggets at lunch. They're usually burned. Katie, 8
• I'm not looking forward to the rules because there are too many to remember. Finn, 8
• I'm not looking forward to sitting in a chair all day. Justin, 8
• I'm not looking forward to math. Sometimes I get tired of working on the pages. Alexa, 8
• I'm not looking forward to recess because I'm afraid I'll be out of energy before I get home. Charlie, 7
Sometimes children have difficulty communicating the cause of distress. I once taught tap dancing to a 5 year old who suddenly began crying whenever she came to class. Up until that time, she had enjoyed her lessons very much. After a great deal of questioning and wondering, her mother discovered that her daughter had outgrown her tap shoes and they pinched her toes. New tap shoes did the trick – no more tears. Sometimes young children will reveal the problem by drawing, acting, pretending, playing with puppets, or writing. Teens, on the other hand, will talk when they're ready. Parents have to be available when the time is right. Doing things together that the adolescent enjoys will often encourage conversation. One way to stop conversation is to try to give advice or "fix" things too soon. Listen and pray for discernment.
Stress, I'm convinced, is here to stay. However, we don't have to blindly accept it without a fight! Evaluate and keep evaluating what is important to you and your family. Satan loves it when lives become so complicated and priorities are so confused that it's easy for him to gain a foothold. Instead, when activities and expectations begin to cause individual or family difficulties, it's time to take a deep breath, pull out this article, and get to work de-stressing your world.
Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. John 14:27 (NASB)
