Many couples who I counsel ask me these questions, "How come we did fine as a couple until we got married? Where did the love go? Is it the stress of children? Is it that we have to spend too much time at our work just to support the family? Is it that we just got bored in our relationship after a certain period of time?"
Can marriages actually thrive and not just survive in today's fast paced culture? God's Word tells us, "yes" that God intended marriage to be durable, permanent, and intimate. He is very clear in Genesis that He established it for reasons that were essential to our well-being. "It is not good for man to be alone" and man shall leave his primary relationship with his parents to become "one flesh" with his wife, and that husband and wife are capable of the God-given privilege of creating new life as an expression of their love. That sounds like thriving to me.
Americans work more hours per day and spend more days per year on the job than people in any other developed country (Kirshenbbaum, 2005.) This fact says a lot about the quantity of time available to couples today. In fact if you're thinking that lack of time is causing problems in your marriage, you may be right. Try this easy test. The next time that you spend quality time together, evaluate whether or not your relationship improves. If so, it may indicate that your marriage has been suffering from a time problem.
Stress is a big part of our Monday through Friday life together whether you're a couple with children or not, whether both spouses are employed or one stays home, whether married for one year or thirty-five years. Stress produces less time, more anger and more problems. Mira Kirshenbaum, the author of the book, TheWeekend Marriage, says that we have a lot of priorities besides reducing stress, and most of these priorities result in our doing things that actually increase our stress.
Stress can kill relationships and also marriages. Is there any way to keep marriages free from stress? There are some things that we can do to help improve our levels of stress. When someone asks you to do something extra, say, "no" first, then talk to your spouse about it. Always choose the less complicated way. Adding stress to your lack of time puts your relationship at risk. The little time couples do spend together on days off are often spent talking about problems. Talking about problems may be necessary at times, but it usually doesn't result in feelings of love. It can turn your marriage into a battle ground. Put your love above your problems. One way to do this is to avoid talking about problems when angry. Another way is to stop trying to accomplish something whenever you do have time together. Instead, have fun with the person you love; get close again.
Ephesians 4:29-32 tells us very clearly that we are to let no corrupt communication come out of our mouth except what is edifying and loving to the hearer. It also says that we should let all bitterness and anger be put away and instead be kind to one another, forgiving one another like Christ modeled for us. In other words create more positives than negatives.
God's Word tells us that we live in the midst of a spiritual battle. The enemy is very real but it is not always you or the person you married that is the enemy. It is sometimes Satan himself. The enemy hates marriage so naturally he throws all kinds of opposition against it like lack of time and the stress of our fast paced culture, to name a few.
Where is the victory in the Love War? The victory is in uncovering the illusion that love should be easy and marriage is too hard. Once we realize that learning to love our husband or wife requires work (setting time priorities among other things) and that staying close to Jesus will teach us what those priorities are, then we can make our marriages what God intended. Instead of fighting each other, we can fight for each other and for love and marriage.
Resources: In Touch , February 2010, "Love and War" by Erin Gieschen
The Weekend Marriage by Mira Kirshenbaum
