I remember well receiving a pink covered autograph book for my fifth birthday. Delighted, I went from person to person over the next months soliciting them to pen noteworthy words to me; even the unsuspecting but kind man who wrote, "to the little girl who is always good when the insurance man comes."
Over the next years I read and reread the many words and sentiments, committing several of the verses to memory simply by the number of times they were savored. My grandma's poem about a purple cow conjured up for me fields of lavender jerseys and glasses overflowing with violet milk. My godmother's start of "Who's my favorite little missy?" (which was, of course, me) assured me of her love. But, it's my mother's verse that I will share with you completely because it is the basis for this article. She wrote,
Little girl with eyes of blue
May your years be many,
Your tears be few.
May happiness always come your way
And now I think I've had my say.
Love to my little 5 year old, Mommy
It's an appropriate and loving wish from a mother to her little girl, isn't it? (Thanks, Mom.) And, in fact, my years and happy times have been plentiful. God has bestowed wondrous blessings. But, alas, the tears have not been few. There have been many tears, even sobs, and sorrow so great that it tore my very soul. Someone has said, "into each life some rain must fall." I would counter, "rare is the life that has not experienced a thunderstorm!"
Sadness. Sorrow. Suffering. All are entwined throughout life and have been from the beginning; from the time of the first human sin. 6 The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. 7 At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves (Genesis 3:6-7 NLT.)
Shame. Adam and Eve had never before experienced a negative feeling. It must have been confusing, even overwhelming. So what did they do? They hurried to cover themselves, to conceal the shame, to disguise the pain. Sound familiar? What do you do to numb the ache? Is it healthy coping or copping out?
Being descendents of Adam and Eve, most of us have become experts at covering up those negative feelings of sadness, sorrow, suffering, and shame. Sometimes in counseling, we refer to this type of avoidance as "wearing masks". Four (of many) kinds of masks follow:
Social Masks. Avoiding those people or social situations that are reminders or triggers of negative feelings . . .or putting on a "happy public face" so that no one will notice the pain.
Emotional Masks. Using more powerful emotions to cover up more painful emotions, such as lashing out in anger instead of allowing tears of grief to fall.
Behavioral Masks. Acting in ways that are out of the ordinary in response to overwhelming emotions, such as increased eating or alcohol use, working lots of overtime, spending hours on Facebook, in front of the TV, or engaged in other activities designed to manage the wound.
Spiritual Masks. Attempts to atone for our own sin with good works, or an unwillingness to accept that forgiveness is free. Sometimes spiritual masks show up at ignoring, rejecting, or blaming God.
These four masks are examples of worldly attempts to feel better, and they can seem normal to us if used regularly. But, they offer no permanent solutions to sadness, sorrow, suffering, and shame. For that, we must peek over the masks and see that God is searching for us. Adam and Eve hid, but God found them and he will find us too. He will offer joy every morning (Psalm 30:5) – sadness is relieved. He will hold us in his arms (Isaiah 40:11) – sorrow is lessened. He will lead us through the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23:4) – suffering is eased. He will listen to our confession and count us as blameless through the blood of Jesus (Colossians 1:22) – shame is banished. Our response? Step out from behind the masks, drop the fig leaves, and let the healing begin.
The research of Paul Randolph, pastor, counselor, and author of the article, "Grief: It's Not About a Process; It's About the Person", claims that what is most helpful to grievers is the comfort of their Creator and the presence of others with them in their sorrow. Randolph suggests three ways that God becomes real in suffering:
Realize the loving PRESENCE of God in the Holy Spirit. Through faith we trust that God is true to His Word. He assures of us His closeness, especially when we are hurting. (Psalm 46:1, Psalm 34:18, Joshua 1:9, and Isaiah 43:2ff)
Know the PROMISES of God. God is sovereign. He is in control. He has a purpose for everything that happens, even suffering. God's sovereignty alone brings meaning to that which we don't understand. The following Scripture tells us of devastating sorrow mixed with hope in God's sovereignty: Lamentations 3: 1, 5, 21-24, 37-38.
