Is bullying a problem for your child? In one survey of 4,000 children aged 5-16, 60% indicated that they had experienced bullying. Another study confirmed that 51% of children had experienced bullying. According to these statistics there is more than a 50% chance that your child has or will experience bullying. What is an appropriate response to this information?
Teach your child to recognize bullying. Open the lines of communication by talking to your kids about bullying. Define bullying so your child knows what it is. "Getting wisdom is the most important thing you can do. Whatever else you get, get insight" (Proverbs 4:7). Our children must have a clear understanding of what bullying is in order to recognize it and protect themselves and others. If the following are true, it's bullying:
Deliberate hostility and aggression
A victim who is less powerful than the bully
An outcome which is painful or distressing for the victim
Teach your child to not be a bully. "Kind words are like honey-sweet to the taste and good for your health" (Proverbs 16:24). Your child must understand that bullying is not only hitting, but hurtful words as well. Children do not have to like everyone, but they should never be cruel to anyone!
Teach your child to respond to aggression with a Christ-like attitude.
Pray with your child. "When you pray, I will answer you. When you call to me, I will respond" (Isaiah 58:9).
Pray for the bully, reminding your child that the Lord loves the bully, too. Explain that you do not need the perfect words because God understands our hearts. "For we do not know how we ought to pray; the Spirit Himself pleads with God for us in groans that words cannot express" (Romans 8:26.)Teach your child to be ready to forgive the bully for hurting him. "Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you (Ephesians 4:31.)
Teach your child the following communication skills for dealing with a bully.
Practice assertive communication. People respond in one of three ways: passive, aggressive, or assertive. Passive people believe the rights of others are more important than their own rights. Aggressive people believe that their own rights are more important than the rights of others. Assertive people show respect for their own rights and for the rights of others. Victims are often PASSIVE. Bullies are often AGGRESSIVE. The goal is ASSERTIVENESS.
The following are examples of assertive responses:
1. When making requests:
Be clear about what you want. (That's my pencil and I want it back, please.)
Make your request short and precise. (I need my pencil returned now.)
Decide what you want and stick to it. Be a broken record. (I want my pencil back, please. That's my pencil and I want it back.)
2. When saying "no":
Stand up for yourself. Say, "no" firmly. Don't yell, but speak confidently.
Don't get angry or upset. This is the response bullies look for. Instead, just say, "No."
Don't give in to pressure. Repeat the word, "No."
If you're not sure and someone is pestering you for an answer, say "I need more time to decide."
Don't make excuses or apologize. Just answer, "No."
Offer an alternative. "No, I don't want to go to a movie. Let's play a game instead."
3. Use "I" messages
"I" messages are assertive and respectful. Fill in the blanks: I feel _______________ when you _______________. I need you to _______________. (I feel sad when you make fun of me. I need you to stop.)
Teach your child to seek safety when in danger.
Take appropriate action to get away from the bully whenever your child feels unsafe: walk or run to a trusted adult.
Tell an adult such as parents, a teacher or pastor. Bullying is serious, and it is not tattling to ask for help from a trusted adult.
Never risk physical harm to protect possessions.
Don't play or walk alone. Hang out in groups of kids.
If your child thinks he's being bullied, don't try to talk him out of it – instead listen and help him solve the problem. If your child is bullying others, teach him appropriate ways to communicate and relate to others. You may wish to seek professional help if there is no improvement or if your child develops symptoms such as anxiety, depression, isolation, anger, or other worrisome behaviors. Always cover the situation with prayer.
