Let's talk about something that has probably touched every Christian at one time or another—the prodigal child, the one who rejects his parents values, morals, or faith. As Christians in 2009, we will encounter parents who are hurt and disappointed by the choices which their teen or adult children have made. Hurt caused by "prodigal" kids takes many forms, but in all cases Romans 5:8 holds true. If we seek to be Christ-like it follows that our hearts will be merciful and loving even in the most tragic times. A father once said, "That parents have broken hearts may not be normal, but it certainly isn't abnormal" (Parents with Broken Hearts, Coleman.)
Ask yourself this question: How many parents can I think of who are heartbroken because the choices of their children? If you're like most, it would only take a few minutes to compile a list of names and the reason for the pain – homosexuality, living together outside of marriage, premarital sex, abortion, drug or alcohol use, pornography, teenage pregnancy, law breaking, imprisonment, suicide attempts, failing grades, quitting school, extreme debt, fired from jobs, lying, cheating, violence, and the most heartbreaking for Christian parents, rejection of the faith.
What are the responses of parents to the challenges listed? While there are as many responses as there are individual parents, some common questions are: Why is it happening? Who is to blame? Is there any reason for hope? King David is a great example of a father whose son, Absalom, rebelled, broke the heart of his father, and even tried to kill him, finally dying a violent death himself. When David heard the news he cried, "O my son Absalom! My son, my son, Absalom! If only I had died instead of you. O Absalom, my son, my son!" (2 Samuel 18:33.) Isn't this a testimony to the tenacity of a parent's love? Hurting parents are still loving parents. Actually, that's what makes it hurt so much!
When encountering these situations in the church, how can fellow Christians be the most helpful? First, it's important to try to understand. Author Steven Covey gives sound advice when he writes, "seek first to understand, then to be understood (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.) Proverbs 18:13, says "He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame." Some common feelings of parents of prodigal children, include:
1. Feelings of Isolation: Parents are not capable of carrying this burden alone, yet Christian parents of prodigal children tend to isolate themselves over feelings of shame. If not a physical isolation where they avoid contact with others, they isolate themselves verbally by limiting communication to that which is surface.
2. Feelings of Rejection: Think for a minute about how very difficult it must be to spend many years teaching a child only to have her reject the values you have so carefully taught.
3. Feelings of Guilt: The inevitable "why" questions and "if only" thoughts often lead parents to feel guilty. In the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, guilt is defined as a state of internal condemnation.
4. Feelings of Fear: Fear is often at least two-fold: a fear for safety of the child and a fear regarding the child's salvation.
That being said, probably the very best things we can do for hurting parents are to provide a listening, nonjudgmental, and confidential ear...and offer hope. For the parents of prodigals, this is definitely a grief issue and they may need to tell their story many times in attempts to make sense of what has happened. Let them talk! If the talking is difficult, however, it can be helpful to go to scripture to find the words that the parents find hard to articulate. The book of Psalms is a great place to find words of both anguish and hope. Of course, the Bible is full of hope. Search the scripture, such as Jeremiah 31:16-17, for assurance. How comforting it is to know that: God sees. He sees your beloved son or daughter and he sees your tears. God perseveres. He continues his efforts long after human effort has been exhausted. And God holds out hope for both you and your children.
Sometimes the best help is to meet with other parents that have the same or a similar struggle. Beginning in January, Cross Connections will facilitate a support and learning group for parents whose children have disappointed them as teens or adults. The confidential group, called "Faith of our Fathers—NOT" will be held at Emmanuel Lutheran Church, 917 W. Jefferson. For more information, call Cross Connections at 744-3228, ext. 306 or go to the Cross Connections Website at CrossConnectionsCounseling.com.
