Sat, October 3, 2009
Q: I've been divorced for almost two years. I've met a great guy and I'm considering marriage. I have two preteens. I don't want the same thing to happen in a second marriage and I'm concerned about my kids. Do you have any advice?
A: Remarriage is a major decision for every person at any stage of life. It is very important to consider what effects your previous relationship will have upon this one. Our past experiences affect us more than we realize and often more than we want them to. Looking back at your former marriage may elicit feelings and thoughts you hoped were gone forever. There are a number of tasks you must work through before you are ready to remarry:
Resolve the Previous Marriage
50% of people remain angry at their ex-spouse 10 years after the divorce. If you fall into that category, work to resolve that anger by assessing your own role in the break-up of the marriage. No one is ever faultless! Confess your wrongs to God. If possible, ask forgiveness of and offer forgiveness to your former spouse.
Assess and evaluate what you learned from the previous marriage. Identify at least three positive and three negative lessons. Recognition is the first step toward resolving a problem.
Identify the comparisons you may have already made between your former and future partner. The comparison trap is not healthy. Learning from the past marriage is very different than making comparisons to the ex-spouse.
Deal with feelings of grief and loss. Even if there were undeniable grounds for the divorce, there are certain to be times of great sadness. The loss of expectation of a life together is major. Remember that grief wounds have a way of reopening, sometimes many years after the loss. Don't be surprised (or angry at yourself) if you still sometimes grieve the loss of your marriage even in the midst of a happy and God-pleasing second marriage. When this happens, talk over these feelings with your current spouse.
Consider Faith Issues
This is the single most important issue to address for a Christian man or woman considering remarriage. Psalm 127:1 says, "Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain." In other words, the foundation of the marriage needs to be built on a common faith and trust in God. Is the person you are considering to marry a maturing Christian? Does he live what he confesses? Is he growing in faith? Does his life reflect his love for God? In a court of law, would he be convicted of being a Christian?
Rebuild Your Own Life
Put some time between the divorce and any new relationship. My guideline for a second marriage is to be single for at least two years, and know the person for at least one year. Men and women often move right into another relationship without giving themselves any time to reflect and regroup.
If you have been living on your own for a time, however, you've developed some independence about money, children, career, and life in general. You're used to making your own decisions and, as you know, a marriage partnership changes that. Before you say, "I do" reach detailed agreements with your fiancé about these things.
Relink With Another Life (Plus kids)
The number one problem in remarriage is not the new relationship between the husband and wife, but the addition of existing children to that relationship. What decisions have you and your future spouse made concerning blending of your families? Identify your parenting style and your partner's parenting style. How will you handle disagreements over the care of the children? How will you handle discipline? How will you handle the other parent? How do the children feel about the impending marriage? These questions are important to address now.
I would strongly encourage you to seek premarital counseling for you and your fiancé. Premarital counseling is the wise thing to do at any age. As a Christian, it makes sense to seek advice based on God's word. "A house is built by wisdom and becomes strong through good sense." (Proverbs 24:3 NLT)
