Q: I'm ashamed to say that my co-worker and I often engage in angry conflict. We're both Christians, but we're both stubborn also. We can't seem to solve this problem and it's really hurting our relationship. What do you suggest?
A: When faced with a problem, everyone has the potential to become angry. Mishandled anger is one of the major roadblocks to communication and often leads to conflict. In the New Testament, Paul distinguishes the feeling of anger from the behavior that follows anger (Ephesians 4:26-27.) We clearly have choices about how to deal with the emotion. It need not control us. God accepts anger as a normal experience in life but points out that the way we deal with choices to manage it makes all the difference in our relationships.
Mary Kassian, in the book Conversation Peace, says that God-pleasing communication is sacrificial because the focus is not on self, but on others. In God-pleasing communication it is more important to understand than to be understood, to listen than to be listened to, and to give than to receive. The writer of Proverbs 18:13 agrees and says, "He who answers before listening – that is his folly and shame."
What is conflict anyway? Ken Sande in his book The Peacemaker tells us that conflict is a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone's goals or desires. Conflict is not necessarily wrong or bad. Conflict can help us make better decisions because different people working together can disagree, challenge each other, and through discussion make better decisions. Conflict often serves to strengthen us and help us grow. Sometimes conflict forces us to better understand each other. The Bible teaches us that we should be in conflict with the world and its ways.
On the other hand, conflict is not always neutral or beneficial. Often it is in conflict that our sinful nature is revealed. Conflict always begins with some sort of desire. When we see that desire being essential to our well-being, it moves from desire to demand. We enter into sinful conflict when we desire something more than we desire to honor God and are willing to sin to get it (James 4:1-4.)
Often it is not what we want that's the problem, but that we want it too much. C. S. Lewis writes in The Four Loves, "We know that every natural impulse, however innocent in itself, may stand between God and us, and so become an idol." To identify idols, ask yourself the following: "What do I want more than I want to please God? What do I want so much that I am willing to sin to get it?" Some common desires-turned-demands are comfort, pleasure, respect, success, power, approval, significance, freedom, recognition, and love.
Sinful conflict includes self-righteous attitudes. Eighty-one percent of 21,501 couples surveyed by the company Life Innovations disagreed on who was responsible for their conflict. In other words there was not a sense of mutual responsibility for their problem; rather they believed that one was more to blame than the other. Blamers spend a lot of time and energy trying to change the other person when, if fact, relationship problems are rarely one person's fault.
Blame is closely associated with criticism. Criticism involves attacking someone's character, rather than a specific behavior. It starts with a complaint about a specific behavior but deteriorates into general accusations. Words can harm. Read James 3:5-8. What does he have to say about toxic, negative words?
In the seminar guide, "Blessed are the Peacemakers" developed by Ambassadors of Reconciliation and adapted from The Peacemaker by Ken Sande, it states that God provides the perfect way to address conflict, beginning with the conflict between him and us. We are guided by what God has done for us and what he commands us to do.
The following are approaches to resolving conflicts biblically. These points of conflict resolution reveal our foundation in the Gospel.
1. Overlook an offense (Proverbs 10:12, 1 Peter 4:8) Can love cover it? There are many disputes that are insignificant and should be resolved by quietly overlooking the offense. Overlooking is a form of forgiveness and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into anger.
2. Negotiation (Matthew 7:12, Philippians 2:3-4)
P-A-U-S-E Principle for Negotiation
Prepare with prayer, get the facts, go to God's Word, think options
Affirm relationships
Understand concern, desire or need of the other +
Search for solutions – prayerful brainstorming
Evaluate options
3. Confession and forgiveness (James 5:16)
