Q: Most pastors and laypeople are well aware of physical abuse and how destructive it is. However, there also is emotional, verbal and psychological abuse that is certainly as hurtful, and perhaps even more destructive.
Author Denise George has a new book titled, "What Women Wish Pastors Knew." She illustrates a case in which the husband wanted to control his wife's every move "through intimidating manipulation." He keeps her isolated from friends and family, and tells her she is stupid and worthless. She says this woman was "so beaten down emotionally that she endures his ... demeaning insults."
Charles Colson states that "Shocking as it may seem, domestic abuse is about as common in Christian homes as it is anywhere else. But too often, churches ignore the problem. Most pastors haven't been trained to deal with it and have no idea how to help or protect abused women, especially when the husband appears outwardly charming, easy-going and pious."
How can Christians best deal with this problem?
A: The signs of emotional abuse are often overlooked and easy to deny. Emotional abuse is the consistent pattern of being treated unfairly and unjustly over a period of time by one person distorting another person's sense of self resulting in the victim allowing the abuser to control him or her. Sometimes the abusers are aware of what they are doing and sometimes they are not.
One of the most common consequences of past emotional abuse is an unhealthy relationship in the present. This can be seen in relationships with friends, coworkers, children, parents, and/or spouse. The question above refers to emotional abuse between spouses so I will concentrate our attention there.
A common relational effect of emotional abuse is an inability to experience intimacy. Abuse destroys trust. Even when one who has been abused in the past marries a healthy person, there are still repercussions for the couple together. There are many reactions to abuse that affect a marriage relationship.
A common one is hypersensitivity, interpreting comments and actions with negativity, whether or not they are intended to be so. Any part of the body that gets "hit" over and over becomes extremely sensitive – including one's ability to think clearly about oneself and others. Another damaging response to emotional abuse is perfectionism which can cause extreme anger and apathetic indifference. No one is perfect and trying to be so is frustrating. Letting go of the need to be perfect allows one to release control over his/her environment. Both hypersensitivity and perfectionism cause damaging tension and confusion in the relationship.
Emotional abuse often damages a person's relationship with self, replacing one's own control over self with the abuser's control. The abused person no longer trusts him/herself. Most importantly, though, emotional abuse can damage one's relationship with God, causing doubt about God's control and authority in his/her life.
So what is a Christian to do? Ironically, forgiveness is the answer for the abuser and the abused because forgiveness returns one to a state of control. Instead of reacting to another's sin, forgiveness is an intentional response. It is helpful to show the abused that he/she has the ability and responsibility to act. Romans 5:20 gives the abused and the abuser alike hope that God's grace is stronger than any sin.
If the abuser is in denial over the abusive behavior, he/she won't accept forgiveness. The abused must determine in his/her own mind and heart that he/she wants to forgive. The abused may find it necessary to remove him/herself from the relationship while he/she changes or until the abuser changes. Restoration has always been God's plan and continues to be His plan for abuser and abused. Our choices must be deliberate and reflect our growing awareness of God's will for our life, and the needs of others.
Finding healing from the scars of abuse takes support and often professional assistance. It's an opportunity to glorify God in the middle of sin. Romans 8:28 reminds us that God doesn't use just some things for our good. God uses all things for our good and the good that He seeks for us is that we become more and more like Christ.
