Q: I have a five year-old son who gets really mad every time I tell him no. I'm worried that he will throw a huge temper tantrum next fall the first time his kindergarten teacher tells him to do something he doesn't want to do. Can you help?
A: Anger is something we all struggle with to some degree. At age five, your son is starting to understand that anger can be a powerful tool that usually gets quick attention from adults.
In order to answer your question, I'm going to make the assumption that, at least some of the time, you give in to his anger and your "no" changes to a "maybe" or even to a "yes". If that's true, then it seems to me that he's playing the odds that if he reacts with an angry response, you might change your mind. Even if there is only a one in ten chance that you will back off, it's worth the energy it takes to scowl, or yell, or stomp, or cry.
Does that sound like what is happening? If so, it's called manipulative anger, which is anger that is designed to get the child what he wants. When parents give in to manipulative anger, they inadvertently reinforce its use. At age five your son does not have the cognitive ability to reason this out, but he does know what works! You've taught him well!
Now, you'll need to retrain, teaching him that your "yes" means "yes" and your "no" means "no" (Matthew 5:37.) Changing the way you respond when your child is angry will help him get his anger under control. It might take some time to convince your son that you are taking back your role as his parent -- after all, he's used to being the one in power -- but with patience and consistency you can bring his behavior in line with God's desire that he respect and obey you (Colossians 3:20.)
Let me ask you another question. How do you respond to your child's anger? Do you get angry yourself? If so, you join the ranks of many other parents who will have to admit to responding to anger with anger. Even five year-olds can really push our buttons!
If that's happening, then it's time get your own anger in check. Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." When you respond to angry words/actions with angry words/actions of your own, the conflict escalates. The use of calm (but confident) and loving (but firm) words that demonstrate self-control motivates a child to stay within the limits that you have set.
May I suggest that you plan for the next time your child reacts to you in anger? Try these ideas to cool down a hot situation:
-- Write down at least ten gentle but firm answers and role play them with another adult until you're ready to use them with your child.
-- Plan to delay your response to your son so that you are less likely to lash out in anger -- count to ten, sing the alphabet, or better yet, pray for wisdom to handle the situation in a God-honoring way.
-- Memorize scripture in order to bring to mind helpful verses during trying times. Consider James 1:19 which advises us to be slow to speak and slow to become angry, Proverbs 29:11 which minces no words, referring to those who vent their anger as "fools" and Proverbs 22:6 which gives us confidence that our efforts will have sweet eternal rewards.
