There were spring times in years past where I noticed the mud rather than the flowers. I complained about the rain rather than being thankful for that fresh spring smell, and it was either too hot or too cold for me. And those happy people....they were everywhere, and I wasn’t happy at all. In fact, I found them to be exceedingly annoying. You see, I was in the middle of a really painful transition, no, really more like five at the same time.

Transition, what is that? The dictionary on the internet says it’s a “passage from one form, state, style, or place to another,” which is a good definition. But when you’re the one going through a transition it really just sounds like a pretty word for loss, which in many instances is anything but pretty. Although we often ignore them, we have losses of one sort or another every day. Whenever something changes there is an element of loss. We celebrate some changes: new job, new baby, weddings, graduations, and many more. But, there is an element of loss and we’re forced to transition through it. With the new job may come loss of seeing coworkers I really liked. With that new baby there is significantly less time for me! Parents feel loss as their children graduate or get married. Perhaps those children may feel loss of the family they must leave behind as they transition to this new chapter in their lives.

More losses include: job loss, a move to a new place, a relationship break up, loss of a friendship, loss through declining health, loss of feelings of safety following a trauma, and even loss of a cherished but unrealized dream. Then there are those losses that we dread. The ones that stop us in our tracks. Can anyone relate to that feeling when your heart has been ripped out and there is a gaping hole that has no bottom to it? We immediately think of death as that type of loss, and it is of course. But there are others that fit into this category as well. Miscarriages and infertility are losses that are devastating. Losses related to chronic illness or disability are often broad and complicated as they touch many areas of life all at the same time. We ask ourselves, “How will I survive this?”

So, how do I respond to loss? How do I transition to the next“form, state, style, place?” Well, I’m afraid I have to say hello to grief. I don’t want to. It’s painful. It’s lonely. It’s dark. But it won’t go away no matter how much I try to ignore it. There was a part of me that thought I migh tbe spared this much pain. I’m a Christian, God will save me from this, right? Well, maybe not in the way I had hoped....

I am empty. I am overwhelmed. I either feel all consuming sadness or nothing at all. I know what it means to be weary now. It’s different than tired, but I’m tired too. Where is God? He can’t possibly be here if I feel this bad. “...a man of suffering and familiar with pain” (Isaiah 53:3). Or can he? Grief has made me slow down. I feel so empty. But, you know, sometimes it’s easier to hear that “still, small voice” when there aren’t so many distractions. His voice actually sounds kind of loud at times in this emptiness. Do you really know my pain? “Jesus sobbed” (John 11:35 NIRV).  I’m angry. I’m angry at you God. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even like you anymore God--did I just say that? Is it ok to be angry at you? “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness (Lamentations 3:22-23) “This is love: not that we loved God,but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins” (I John 4:10).

Thank you for loving me even when I’m angry and for forgiving me when I say mean things, but I don’t understand this. If one more person tells me that this horror is part of your plan I’m going to scream. What is your plan anyway? Why won't you take this pain away? My dear child, you do not understand.“For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom” (I Corinthians 1:25). You need to grieve. Trust me, I know what you need. “When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. Don’t run from trouble. Take it full-face. The ‘worst’ is never the worst.” (Lamentations 3: 28-30, The Message). 

But I can’t feel you here with me. “...the Master won’t ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly.  His stockpiles of loyal love are immense. He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way.” (Lamentations 3: 31-33, The Message). It’s hard to trust you...”For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:13).

 But how will God Help?  I believe one of the primary things God seeks to show us in grief is to let other people help you. This kind of thinking runs counter to our “I can do it” American values. Accepting help should be easy to do because we were created for community. “It is not good for the man to bealone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18. But, for most of us, it’s not easy. For some it may come down to a matter of obedience to God in allowing others to perform their ministry in our lives. That ministry may come from the friend who calls and is content to listen, even when she’s heard your story many times. It may be the person from your church who you don’t know, but she felt she needed to bring you a meal. How about the neighbor who plants flowers in your front yard so something looks beautiful when you look out? Or,it may take a different form.

There are those who seek training to be present for people who are hurting in the body of Christ. It could be that Stephen Minister who offers you a cup of cold water on one of those days when it just feels too hot. Or perhaps a Covenant Partner who really doesn’t mind getting his shoes a little muddy as he walks with you through your grief. It could even be a professional counselor who loves the Lord and is blessed to hold the umbrella while you and the sky cry in unison.

Grief is long--always longer than we want it to be. Grief is hard. Sometimes words feel hollow, even kind ones.God can and will be there for you in your grief. Let Him and those through whom He works walk with you. Invite them into your world, no matter how ugly you think it is. “Look at me. I stand at the door. I knock. If you hear me call and open the door, I’ll come right in and sit down to supper with you.” (Revelation 3:20,The Message).

When I look back, I think what I really wanted from God was for him to rescue me from my grief. And He didn’t. Instead, He saved me in His way and in His time by being ever present as I worked through and continue to work through the most difficult transitions of my life.“I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned...” (Isaiah 43:2).

AllBible verses taken from the NIV unless otherwise noted.

Heart racing, my upper lip moist with perspiration, I stuttered as I recited these words, “Lord, You have been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever You had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting You are God.” Psalm 90:1-2 (ESV). Was this a traumatic memory from Sunday school, parochial school or confirmation class? No, rather a recent recitation of memory work before thirty-two adults gathered to study God’s Word in preparation for comforting God’s people as Covenant Partners through Cross Connections.

Why does the thought of memory work create such panic for us? After all, “memory work” is what our mind does all day long from the very moment we are born. Throughout life we experience the world through our five senses and our mind catalogues it for future use. From this wealth of stored information we move, speak, learn, interact with others, make decisions, and live.

While most parents, parochial school teachers and Sunday school teachers, principals and pastors attest to the need for children to do “memory work,” we adults don’t always have the same urgency to do this ourselves. After all, who has ever heard of adult “memory work”? Yet the Lord Himself established “memory work” as a way of life for His people. Deuteronomy 6:4-9 says, "You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” God intended that His Word be part of our everyday existence, like breathing in and out, as life itself. It is our source of identity, knowledge, comfort and hope throughout life.

Who among us doesn’t think of Bob Hope every time we hear “Thanks for the Memories”? Most of us can readily identify such phrases as, “It’s the real thing.” “Have it your way.” “Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.” We remember tunes, jingles and slogans almost effortlessly. Quotes from famous people, lines from prose or poetry, the lyrics of favorite songs, the fragrance of fallen leaves or freshly baked bread, the taste of chocolate, the swish of a ball as it enters the net, the cooling touch of a gentle hand on a fevered brow – these all enter our minds and are stored there as memories, surfacing from time to time. So too is God’s Word stored as we listen, speak, read, sing, and taste the bread and wine at His table as we receive His Word of forgiveness. In John 6:68 the Apostle Peter confesses, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.”

Yet, as our lives are bombarded with sensory information we often neglect and even forget God’s Word. In our troubles and desperation it can be difficult to recall the promises and faithfulness of our Lord. And as with much of life, memories fade. Our Lord anticipated our need and prepared everything for us. John 14:26-27 tells us, "These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” So also does God aid His people through our pastors, teachers, counselors, deaconesses, Covenant Partners, Stephen Ministers, and other Christians through whom He delivers His Word. 2 Corinthians 3:2 says, “And you show that you are a letter from Christ delivered by us, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.”

In the end our feeble human memories do fade. Ultimately it is not our memory work in which we trust. It is the Lord’s memory of Christ’s work of salvation for us on the cross that is the one thing necessary. Psalm 98:2-3 assures, “The LORD has made known His salvation; He has revealed His righteousness in the sight of the nations. He has remembered His steadfast love and faithfulness to the house of Israel. All the ends of the earth have seen the salvation of our God.” For Christ’s sake our heavenly Father even has selective memory. From Hebrews 8:12, “For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more." Lord, while we may struggle to remember Your Word, and our memories fade, Your memory is perfect! Thank you Lord for Your memory work on our behalf!

Amy Rast, MSW, is Lead Counselor-Covenant Partners at Cross Connections, and is a student in the Deaconess Studies Program at Concordia Theological Seminary. She is a member of St. Paul Lutheran Church.

“Confession is good for the soul.” Confession, repentance and forgiveness of sin allow us to connect with God. Confession is evidence of a Christian’s refusal to allow sin to remain in his life. Through Jesus we can confess and repent of our sins. Through Jesus our sins are forgiven. Through Jesus we have access to God. Through Jesus we can forgive the sins of others.

God’s way of forgiveness is good for the soul. It is the indispensable sign of the Christian life. Forgiveness is our greatest need and through Christ’s righteousness, our greatest blessing. Forgiveness is a process at the end of which God declares that the sin has been dealt with once and for all. It is also a process in which we as God’s people declare that a sin against us has been removed because of what Jesus did for us.

You might think, “That is so far removed from my daily struggles.” Or is it? Learning to offer forgiveness to others has a direct influence on our relationship with God. Forgiveness is unnatural, against all of what our human nature dictates. As children of God we are forgiven and we forgive. If we are going to keep our hearts open to God we have to forgive, even when seems blatantly unfair.

God’s nature is to forgive. If we refuse to follow His way because it’s more difficult, we’ll never mature. In fact, we will become estranged from God ourselves. That is a scary concept for those of us who call ourselves Christians. Living in a marriage that is anything but loving, trying to parent a child who refuses to be humbled by God’s law, and giving up on a sibling or parent who has disappointed us time and time again are all difficult challenges. It is in the marriage relationship and in family relationships that forgiveness becomes most real to us. It is the arena in which God places us to work through confession and forgiveness.

Sin will cause our marriages to fall short of the promise it held in the beginning. Sin will cause us to fall short as a parent, child, or sibling. Every area in our life is susceptible to sin’s destruction. By God’s grace, He takes a relationship that has fallen short and gives it meaning. He provides the opportunity to immediately confess our sin and to be cleansed from all unrighteousness. His grace erases anger and bitterness. His grace allows us to restore severed relationships.

Often we are less patient with our own spouse, and our own children, and our own brothers and sisters than we are with people we meet at work or school or visit in our neighborhood. When this happens we need to look closely at the cross and remember the forgiveness we received from Christ there.

Only God can heal sin’s devastation. He has freed us from the bondage of sin, reestablished our relationship with Him through Jesus and, therefore, we can restore our relationships to wholeness. Our life is to be one of reconciliation. We need to begin at the cross confessing our own sins and receiving God’s forgiveness. Then our marriage and our family can reflect His Grace, too.

Have you ever found yourself wondering why a growing friendship has suddenly stopped growing or a buddy at work has no time for your customary a.m. coffee break when everything seemed fine just the day before? You probably have your own examples of squelched relationships that have left you scratching your head and rubbing your brow. “What happened?” you ask yourself. But, you really have no answer. You can’t think of anything that could have damaged the relationship – yet the relationship is obviously damaged.

Two of the most common culprits that hurt relationships are “jumping to conclusions” and “mind-reading”. Both involve the assumption that someone can ascertain another’s motives just by what they do or say, or don’t do or say without checking it out, or that one can judge another’s sincerity and intent. Let me give you an example.

Sally and Mary met at their church and looked forward to seeing each other every Sunday. Both women had expressed a desire to deepen their friendship by meeting for prayer time once a week and planned to start doing that in the fall. Last Sunday, Mary saw Sally in the back of the church talking to someone else.
Here’s what happened next from Mary’s perspective: As Mary approached, Sally “ducked out” the back door to avoid her. “She must not value their friendship after all,” Mary thought. Mary was very hurt. She didn’t understand why Sally would avoid her. Mary’s hurt then turned to anger and she decided to give tit for tat. The very next Sunday, Mary made sure to snub Sally. “Now she’ll know how it feels,” thought Mary.

Sally was hurt. She didn’t understand at all. She recalled seeing Mary the previous Sunday. She was in a hurry because her husband and kids were already in the van and they were late to a family birthday party. Someone had stopped her just as she was going out the door to ask about the upcoming LWML meeting and she was trying to be polite but she was getting s-t-r-e-s-s-e-d. She remembered thinking, “Oh, I wish I had time to talk to Mary. I’ll call her later and I’m sure she’ll understand.” Now she was left scratching her head, rubbing her brow, and wondering what had happened.
Do you recognize how Mary jumped to conclusions (Sally “ducked out” to avoid Mary)? Can you detect some mind-reading (Sally must not value their friendship)? Do you see how the erroneous assumptions made by Mary escalated, taking her from hurt to anger (both feelings) to retaliation (action based on feelings.) Do you see how Sally was blindsided by Mary; not given the slightest opportunity to respond or explain? Let’s consider two ways to deal with the problems of “jumping to conclusions” and “mind-reading”:

Prevention: Many passages in Scripture help with this, but I especially like Galatians 5:15 (The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." ) and 1 Corinthians 13:7: ([Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.) First God gives us the directive to love in Galatians and then, in 1 Corinthians, He tells us how love looks in action. When I was in school (circa 1960s), the last sentence of Luther’s explanation of the eighth commandment (You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor) was, “And put the best construction on everything.” Newer publications of the catechism say, “And explain everything in the kindest way.” Lou Priolo writes, “Practically speaking, this means that if there are ten possible explanations for an action you understood me to take, nine of which are bad, and only one of which is good, unless there is some form of verifiable evidence to the contrary, love requires you to reject the nine and accept the one” (Judgments, page 20-21.) By going to the best case scenario instead of the worst case scenario, many relationship glitches would be solved before they become problems. Sometimes a decision to believe the good is all that is needed to protect the relationship. However, it can also provide the time needed to talk to the person and get the real facts.

Prescription: As imperfect people, there will be times when we do make rash judgments. God has an answer for that too: repentance and confession. Repentance is sorrow over sin and a desire to realign thinking and behavior so that it agrees with God’s will for us. With my clients I often talk about “putting off and putting on” thinking and behavior (Ephesians 4:22-24). In this case, it means that as we put off the habit of making rash judgments, we must put on the habit of explaining everything in the kindness way. Real change almost always involves replacing one thought or behavior with another. Confession of the sin to God and to the person follows closely. “I am sorry that I thought badly of you. Will you please forgive me?” While an attempt to understand the root of the problem is a plus for the friendship, it is not a pre-condition of repentance and confession for the one who has sinned against another.

My friends, God's children are not to be the cause of strife with their neighbors. To the extent that we're able, we are to live at peace with those around us. “Jumping to conclusions” and “mind-reading” are out; “checking the facts” and “believing the best” are in. St. Paul sums it up, “Dear brothers and sisters, I close my letter with these last words: Be joyful. Grow to maturity. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace. Then the God of love and peace will be with you.” (2 Corinthians 13:11, NLT)

By Kathy Eggold

I recently read the results of a survey that confirmed what I hear so often in my counseling office. The survey asked divorced couples, “How did you know when your marriage was in trouble?” The most frequent response given was…”when the friendship wasn’t there anymore.” Friends provide us with many things that bring us fulfillment: activities to do together, conversation, honest disagreement, shared concerns, acceptance, forgiveness, support, joy and loving care. Relationships are what make life meaningful. God had these things and more in mind when He designed marriage. The added ingredient in the marriage friendship was that it would endure for a lifetime; until death ended the relationship. It was based on His perfect relationships within the Trinity. Man and woman were made in God’s image and the marriage relationship was designed to be a picture of the Triune God. You might say to yourself, “Oh come on, that sounds nice but it isn’t real.” Actually it is very real indeed.
What we as Christians so often forget is that our real God intended our real relationships to be the very thing that convinces those around us of the reality of our Triune God . The Holy Spirit being the encourager, comforter, and inspiration to the Father and Jesus; Jesus being the listener and the lover of the Father and the Spirit; and the Father being the procreator, provider, and unifier of the Son and the Spirit make up the picture of the Trinity, three persons, equal and one. God’s innate understanding of relational harmony shows us a perfect model of selfless giving, never-ending encouragement, and powerful unity.

Fashioned after the Trinity, God designed Adam and Eve so that the goal of their union was interdependence and not independence, to be one, cleaving to each other as the story in Genesis reveals. This means that as spouses we have a responsibility to deny self and allow the Holy Spirit to put to death our natural inclination to be self-centered. It means that just as Jesus shared with his disciples the things that the Father shared with Him, so in marriage we are to share what is on our hearts with our own spouse. As friends we need to be confidants to our marriage partner, comfortable telling and listening to each others’ needs. It means responding to those needs out of love as friends, not enemies. Finally it means that like the Holy Spirit dwelling in us, reminding us of the Father’s longing for us, we need to spend enough time with our spouse to recognize when the other needs encouragement, affirmation of our love, and reconciliation for wrongs done to each other.

Friendship with our spouse can make a difference in his/her spiritual walk with the Lord. Pray for your spouse as you would a friend. Comfort and confront him/her lovingly if that is necessary as Galatians 6 suggests. Jesus prayed fervently for His disciples to be strong when they were tempted in John 17. He took an active role in turning them back to God. Being that kind of a friend to a spouse might mean talking to him/her about a potentially destructive lifestyle, a loose tongue, or a negative attitude about church. Sin causes devastation even among the best of marriages. Make your marriage relationship a safe haven for spiritual honesty but remember to look honestly at your own sins first.

God was so wise in His design for man and woman in the marriage relationship. He knew that “two are better than one…for if they fall, one will lift up his companion.” From the beginning of time, God made it clear that it is not good for His people to be alone. God designed marriage for us to cooperate, to live together in harmony, and to accomplish more together than separately. God did not create us to achieve our own goals, rather, to learn a little bit of what the love of the Godhead is like. When difficult times come, we find strength and comfort and encouragement in the friendship of a spouse who cares about us and is committed to staying with us no matter what. God knew that it would be overwhelming to face those times alone. The marriage relationship gives us a picture of the Trinity: unity of purpose, motivated by love, and completely committed. The book of Ephesians describes the friendship that was first designed for Adam and Eve. It is still God’s design for our marriages today, that the world will know Him by our love for one another.

What does it mean to be friends with your marriage partner?

1. Spend time with each other as friends. Know your partner well.
2. Recognize your spouse’s emotional needs and why he/she behaves the way he/she does.
3. Comfort your husband or wife when he/she needs comfort.
4. Encourage your marriage partner when he/she is down.
5. Lift him/her up when no one else does.
6. Inspire your partner to be all that God created him/her to be.
7. Listen to his/her needs and respond to them as best you can.
8. Dare to dream with your spouse, even if the dream seems impossible.
9. Pray with your partner and for him/her.
10. Love your husband or wife and sacrifice for him/her.
11. Stay with him/her no matter what.

If you have a topic that you would like the staff of Cross Connections to address in The Fort Wayne Lutheran, please call Terrie Ensley at (260) 744-3228, ext. 306, or email her at terrieensley@crossconnectionscounseling.com.

Kathy Eggold, L.M.H.C. is the Lead Counselor for Professional Counselors at Cross Connections. She is a member of Bethlehem Lutheran Church.

The configuration of families has certainly changed in 50 years. I recall a class in my social work program more than a decade ago where students were asked to list various types of family units. Some of the suggestions at that time were: single parent families, grandparents raising grandchildren families, blended families, homosexual families, and step-families. I’m sure there are more family types, but it seems safe to say that many, many family units are no longer like those of the 1950s with one dad, one mom, and 2.5 kids (ideally one boy and one girl.)

Now, I’m not suggesting that the families of years ago were perfect. Oh no. They had their share of dysfunction as is sometimes evidenced by my counseling clients who were raised in those homes. But, what the homes of the mid 20th century did have going for them was stability in relationship. Most of the children could count on the longevity of their parents’ marriage, as well as those of their grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Most of them were involved in a church home where they witnessed more parents who were married and stayed married. Grandparents could be grandma and grandpa, not mom and dad. The phrase blended families had not yet been coined. And, although we can’t go back to those days, I feel more than a bit of sadness that the norm today is often so much different and here’s why: RAISING KIDS IS HARD AND WHEN WE ADD INSTABILITY IN RELATIONSHIP IT MAKES IT EVEN HARDER.

Instability in relationship happens for kids anytime a parent is displaced, the relationship between parents is strained, or the relationship between the child and parent is unreliable. This could happen when a divorce occurs, a step-parent is introduced, a parent dies, a single parent dates-breaks up-dates again, or a parent is absent emotionally or physically. Instability in relationships complicates the already difficult job of parenting and disrupts the normal stages of childhood.

Often parents are unaware or have little insight as to the effects instability in relationship has on children. One of the most common effects is the inability to count on established family patterns, which leaves a child with the feeling of being powerless. When one person in the family system leaves or another joins, the whole family must change and adapt. While change normally happens gradually in intact families, it happens in jolts and jerks in families where relationships come and go or are uncertain. Children thrive best when things at home are fairly predictable. Adults, too, are able to parent best when things at home are fairly predictable. When relationships are unpredictable, this unpredictability takes center stage as families try to figure out new roles and ways to live together. During periods of adjustment, which can take years, the normal goals of parenting can go by the wayside.

What is the goal of Christian parents? It is to raise kids who love God and desire to serve Him and others for all of their life. This is the task for all parents – married, single, divorced, widowed, adoptive, and all others. God gives additional instructions to parents in His word. He tells them to (quoted from www.GotQuestions.org):

• Be available – morning, noon, and night (Deuteronomy 6:6-7)
• Be involved – interacting, discussing, thinking and processing life together (Ephesians 6:4)
• Teach – the Scriptures, a biblical world-view (Psalm 78:5-6, Deuteronomy 4:10, Ephesians 6:4)
• Train – helping a child develop skills and discover his strengths (Proverbs 22:6)
• Discipline – teaching the fear of the Lord, drawing the line consistently, lovingly, firmly (Ephesians 6:4, Hebrews 12:5-11, Proverbs 13:24, 19:18, 22:15, 23:13-14, 29:15-17)
• Nurture – providing an environment of constant verbal support, freedom to fail, acceptance, affection, unconditional love, (Titus 2:4, Ephesians 4:29-32, Galatians 5:22, 1 Peter 3:8-9)
• Model with Integrity – living what you say, being a model by which a child can learn by “catching” the essence of godly living (Deuteronomy 4:9; Proverbs 10:9, 11:3; Psalm 37:18, 37).

As you can see, parenting is not for the faint of heart and, ideally, a mom and dad will stay together for a lifetime to raise their own children to love the Lord, and to encourage their adult children as they bring up the next generation of children to love the Lord. God’s plan is ideal!

Parents, keeping your marriage strong is a priority! if your marriage is struggling, don’t give up easily. You have entered into a covenant with your spouse and you have been blessed with children. Seek help with the full intention of repairing your marriage to God’s glory and the good of your family.

Young people, be careful with your bodies. Sex produces babies and there is no birth control that is 100% foolproof except abstinence. Children need an intact home with adult parents who love one another. Wait for the blessing of a Godly marriage to be sexually intimate.

Step-parents, love your step-child gently. Give her time to know you before you expect her to accept you. Encourage her to love and respect both of her biological parents. It’s natural, normal, and honorable. In time, with patience, she will find that her heart will stretch to love you too. Reflect the heart of Jesus as you patiently wait.

Single parents, stand firm! Whatever the reason for your situation, your child is dependent on you to provide stability and direction. You are his family! Carefully choose your adult relationships and the people you bring into your child’s life. God will strengthen you and provide all that you need. He promised and His promises are sure!

If you have a topic that you would like the staff at Cross Connections to discuss in this column, please email Terrie Ensley at terrieensley@crossconnectionscounseling.com.

Stress is no respecter of the ages, and neither is it a respecter of age. A survey of 875 kids aged 9 to 13 named the following as the top stressors in their lives:

• Grades, school, homework – 36%
• Family – 32%
• Friends – 21%
• Brothers and sisters – 20%
• Mean or annoying people – 20%

In this same survey only 1 in 5 or 20% of the kids said they talked to parents when they are upset, but a whopping 75% said they’d like their parents to help them during times of stress. This is what kids said would help: talk calmly together, help them feel better (hugs help sometimes), give them attention, do something together, help them solve the problem, help them get their minds off the problem, and pray with them.

Nearly a third of adults report experiencing "extreme stress" according to a survey from the American Psychological Association. The results also tell us that: nearly one in five (17%) reach their highest stress level 15 or more days per month, and almost half (48%) say their stress level has risen over the last five years. Stress didn't come as a surprise. Most participants indicated that stress is a natural part of life. But the survey shows that participants are suffering physically, emotionally, professionally, and personally as a result of stress. Adults rate their greatest stressors as follows:

• Work – 74%
• Money – 73%
• Workload – 66%
• Children – 64%
• Family responsibilities – 60%
• Health concerns – 55%
• Health problems affecting spouse, partner, or children – 55%
• Health problems affecting parents or other family members – 53%
• Housing costs (e.g. rent or mortgage) – 51%
• Intimate relationships – 47%

Stress come in three types: potent, persevering, and perceptual. Potent stress is the result of a sudden event. In potent stress the emotion peaks and subsides rather quickly. For adults, an example of potent stress might be that your child has the flu and throws up on your brand new carpet. An example for the school-aged child is a teacher giving a surprise quiz when he hasn’t read the material. A preschooler might feel potent stress if the television breaks during her favorite program.

Persevering stress is the result of ongoing, constant, or consistent events. For adults, persevering stress could occur if your family income is never quite enough to pay all the bills. For the school-aged child it could occur if he has trouble making friends and is lonely. A preschooler’s persevering stress could be because she is consistently unhappy at daycare.

Perceptual stress is the result of expectations. It stems from a person’s own belief about how things should be. “Should” is the key word. For instance, an adult could suffer perceptual stress when the dishes are left undone and she thinks dishes should always be washed and put away before bed. A school-aged child might experience perceptual stress when he believes that a teacher should never give homework on the weekends and is slammed with a huge assignment on Friday afternoon. A preschooler might feel perceptual stress if it is her belief that she should always have macaroni and cheese for lunch and is served a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead.

We all handle stress in one way or another. It’s unavoidable! Let’s first learn about two unhealthy ways to handle stress. Which of the following is your style?

1. You blow up! When stressor after stressor is piled on, your stress level grows and grows until you explode. Blowing up means that distress is expressed outwardly and aggressively. Adults may become irritable, impatient, sarcastic, blaming, or argumentative. Children might argue, pester, disobey, cry, whine, or yell.

2. You clam up! As the stressors keep on coming you check out by avoiding or hiding. Clamming up is inward and passive. Refusing to talk, excessive sleeping, isolating, spending lots of time on the computer, overeating, drugs, and alcohol can all be part of clamming up for adults. A passive response for both adults and children is giving up or refusing to try. Children, especially, might complain of stomach aches or other physical symptoms.

There are also, of course, healthy ways to handle stress. We’ll discuss four:

1. Be proactive. Anticipate stress and plan ahead. What are obvious stressors for you or for your family? Holidays? Vacations? Deadlines? Ask yourself what can be done to decrease the stress. What has to be done and what can be left out? Make a list and work ahead. Enlist help in making decisions that will benefit you and your family.

2. Make changes. Sometimes your best plans become your worst nightmares. It’s good to make adjustments when this occurs. You can’t be expected to anticipate everything! For instance, if you are going crazy because your children have scouts, dance, soccer, and piano on the same night, change or drop an activity. Reevaluate priorities.

3. Talk it out. Build a trusted relationship with another Christian. Spend time getting to know each other so that when the going gets tough you feel good about talking honestly about your situation. Find someone who is a good listener as well as a trusted advisor. Return the favor! Build a solid relationship with your children in non-stressful times. This sets the stage for conversation when anxiety comes their way.

4. Evaluate the expectations that are based on your perspective. Are you setting the bar too high? Are you inflexible? Are you the only one who holds that perspective? If so, perhaps you need to reconsider your position. Expectations can be clarified (made clear to self and/or others,) modified (altered a little or a lot,) abandoned (given up completely,) or clung to (stubbornly refuse to change.) Clinging to unrealistic expectations will cause stress to skyrocket. Loosen your grip!

When considering the cause of stress in children, sometimes a little detective work is in order. It isn’t always caused by the obvious. Here’s what a group of 7 & 8 year olds kids had to say about the stress associated with returning to school after summer vacation:

• I’m not looking forward to school because of the chicken nuggets at lunch. They’re usually burned. Katie, 8
• I’m not looking forward to the rules because there are too many to remember. Finn, 8
• I’m not looking forward to sitting in a chair all day. Justin, 8
• I’m not looking forward to math. Sometimes I get tired of working on the pages. Alexa, 8
• I’m not looking forward to recess because I’m afraid I’ll be out of energy before I get home. Charlie, 7

Sometimes children have difficulty communicating the cause of distress. I once taught tap dancing to a 5 year old who suddenly began crying whenever she came to class. Up until that time, she had enjoyed her lessons very much. After a great deal of questioning and wondering, her mother discovered that her daughter had outgrown her tap shoes and they pinched her toes. New tap shoes did the trick – no more tears. Sometimes young children will reveal the problem by drawing, acting, pretending, playing with puppets, or writing. Teens, on the other hand, will talk when they’re ready. Parents have to be available when the time is right. Doing things together that the adolescent enjoys will often encourage conversation. One way to stop conversation is to try to give advice or “fix” things too soon. Listen and pray for discernment.

Stress, I’m convinced, is here to stay. However, we don’t have to blindly accept it without a fight! Evaluate and keep evaluating what is important to you and your family. Satan loves it when lives become so complicated and priorities are so confused that it’s easy for him to gain a foothold. Instead, when activities and expectations begin to cause individual or family difficulties, it’s time to take a deep breath, pull out this article, and get to work de-stressing your world.

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. John 14:27 (NASB)

Many couples who I counsel ask me these questions, “How come we did fine as a couple until we got married? Where did the love go? Is it the stress of children? Is it that we have to spend too much time at our work just to support the family? Is it that we just got bored in our relationship after a certain period of time?”

Can marriages actually thrive and not just survive in today’s fast paced culture? God’s Word tells us, “yes” that God intended marriage to be durable, permanent, and intimate. He is very clear in Genesis that He established it for reasons that were essential to our well-being. “It is not good for man to be alone” and man shall leave his primary relationship with his parents to become “one flesh” with his wife, and that husband and wife are capable of the God-given privilege of creating new life as an expression of their love. That sounds like thriving to me.

Americans work more hours per day and spend more days per year on the job than people in any other developed country (Kirshenbbaum, 2005.) This fact says a lot about the quantity of time available to couples today. In fact if you’re thinking that lack of time is causing problems in your marriage, you may be right. Try this easy test. The next time that you spend quality time together, evaluate whether or not your relationship improves. If so, it may indicate that your marriage has been suffering from a time problem.

Stress is a big part of our Monday through Friday life together whether you’re a couple with children or not, whether both spouses are employed or one stays home, whether married for one year or thirty-five years. Stress produces less time, more anger and more problems. Mira Kirshenbaum, the author of the book, TheWeekend Marriage, says that we have a lot of priorities besides reducing stress, and most of these priorities result in our doing things that actually increase our stress.

Stress can kill relationships and also marriages. Is there any way to keep marriages free from stress? There are some things that we can do to help improve our levels of stress. When someone asks you to do something extra, say, “no” first, then talk to your spouse about it. Always choose the less complicated way. Adding stress to your lack of time puts your relationship at risk. The little time couples do spend together on days off are often spent talking about problems. Talking about problems may be necessary at times, but it usually doesn’t result in feelings of love. It can turn your marriage into a battle ground. Put your love above your problems. One way to do this is to avoid talking about problems when angry. Another way is to stop trying to accomplish something whenever you do have time together. Instead, have fun with the person you love; get close again.

Ephesians 4:29-32 tells us very clearly that we are to let no corrupt communication come out of our mouth except what is edifying and loving to the hearer. It also says that we should let all bitterness and anger be put away and instead be kind to one another, forgiving one another like Christ modeled for us. In other words create more positives than negatives.

God’s Word tells us that we live in the midst of a spiritual battle. The enemy is very real but it is not always you or the person you married that is the enemy. It is sometimes Satan himself. The enemy hates marriage so naturally he throws all kinds of opposition against it like lack of time and the stress of our fast paced culture, to name a few.

Where is the victory in the Love War? The victory is in uncovering the illusion that love should be easy and marriage is too hard. Once we realize that learning to love our husband or wife requires work (setting time priorities among other things) and that staying close to Jesus will teach us what those priorities are, then we can make our marriages what God intended. Instead of fighting each other, we can fight for each other and for love and marriage.

Resources: In Touch , February 2010, “Love and War” by Erin Gieschen
The Weekend Marriage by Mira Kirshenbaum

Little girl with eyes of blue                                                                

May your years be many,                                                             

Your tears be few.                                                                             

May happiness always come your way                                                         

And now I think I’ve had my say.

Love to my little 5 year old,   Mommy

It’s an appropriate and loving wish from a mother to her little girl, isn’t it?  (Thanks, Mom.)  And, in fact, my years and happy times have been plentiful.  God has bestowed wondrous blessings.   But, alas, the tears have not been few.  There have been many tears, even sobs, and sorrow so great that it tore my very soul.  Someone has said, “into each life some rain must fall.”  I would counter, “rare is the life that has not experienced a thunderstorm!”

Sadness.  Sorrow.  Suffering.  All are entwined throughout life and have been from the beginning; from the time of the first human sin.  6 The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. 7 At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves (Genesis 3:6-7 NLT.)

Shame.  Adam and Eve had never before experienced a negative feeling.  It must have been confusing, even overwhelming.  So what did they do?  They hurried to cover themselves, to conceal the shame, to disguise the pain.  Sound familiar?  What do you do to numb the ache?  Is it healthy coping or copping out? 

Being descendents of Adam and Eve, most of us have become experts at covering up those negative feelings of sadness, sorrow, suffering, and shame.   Sometimes in counseling, we refer to this type of avoidance as “wearing masks”.  Four (of many) kinds of masks follow:

1. Social Masks.  Avoiding those people or social situations that are reminders or triggers of negative feelings . . .or putting on a “happy public face”  so that no one will notice the pain.
2. Emotional Masks. Using more powerful emotions to cover up more painful emotions, such as lashing out in anger instead of allowing tears of grief to fall.
3. Behavioral Masks.  Acting in ways that are out of the ordinary in response to overwhelming emotions, such as increased eating or alcohol use, working lots of overtime, spending hours on Facebook, in front of the TV, or engaged in other activities designed to manage the wound.  
4. Spiritual Masks.  Attempts to atone for our own sin with good works, or an unwillingness to accept that forgiveness is free.  Sometimes spiritual masks show up at ignoring, rejecting, or blaming God.

These four masks are examples of worldly attempts to feel better, and they can seem normal to us if used regularly.   But, they offer no permanent solutions to sadness, sorrow, suffering, and shame.  For that, we must peek over the masks and see that God is searching for us.  Adam and Eve hid, but God found them and he will find us too.  He will offer joy every morning (Psalm 30:5) – sadness is relieved.  He will hold us in his arms (Isaiah 40:11) – sorrow is lessened.   He will lead us through the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23:4) – suffering is eased.  He will listen to our confession and count us as blameless through the blood of Jesus (Colossians 1:22) – shame is banished.  Our response?  Step out from behind the masks, drop the fig leaves, and let the healing begin.

The research of Paul Randolph, pastor, counselor, and author of the article, “Grief: It’s Not About a Process; It’s About the Person”, claims that what is most helpful to grievers is the comfort of their Creator and the presence of others with them in their sorrow.  Randolph suggests three ways that God becomes real in suffering:

1. Realize the loving PRESENCE of God in the Holy Spirit.  Through faith we trust that God is true to His Word.  He assures of us His closeness, especially when we are hurting. (Psalm 46:1, Psalm 34:18, Joshua 1:9, and Isaiah 43:2ff)
2. Know the PROMISES of God.  God is sovereign. He is in control.  He has a purpose for everything that happens, even suffering.  God’s sovereignty alone brings meaning to that which we don’t understand.  The following Scripture tells us of devastating sorrow mixed with hope in God’s sovereignty: Lamentations 3: 1, 5, 21-24, 37-38.
3. Seek God in PRAYER.  Jeremiah 29:12-14 tells us that God responds to our cries for help. What does God offer to those who seek Him?  Perfect comfort from the Perfect Comforter.

While your husband’s gifts to you are intended to express love, it seems that you would gladly do without the gifts in return for some of his undivided attention.  Many couples experience similar stress in their marriages.  Dr. Gary Chapman believes these tensions have their roots in the different ways we communicate.  In his book The 5 Love Languages he states that, “We are expressing our love, but the message does not come through because we are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language.”  Dr. Chapman explains that our love language is how we understand and share emotional love, and he identifies five of them:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

Since each of us enters a marriage speaking the love language of the family in which we were raised, we do not always recognize the way our spouse understands or gives love.  For example, you may come from a family that shares a great deal of spoken love—: “I love you,” “Thanks for doing that,” “Great job!”  However, you may marry into a family that does not speak their love, but rather shows love through acts of service, such as fixing your car or cooking your favorite meal.  As a result, you have a reliable car and a growing waistline, but your ears may long for affirmations and your heart might not feel so full. 

When we do not recognize the love that our spouse is expressing we can feel empty and unloved, while our spouse may feel frustrated and unappreciated.  This combination of miscommunication and uncomfortable feelings can drive a wedge between two otherwise loving people. 

There is hope!  You can learn to speak each other’s love language.  As a matter of fact, as Baptized members of God’s family you have a common “family of origin” and speak a common love language, one that your Heavenly Father has first spoken to you.  “This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins” (1 John 4:9-10).

In His love language God speaks forgiveness and reconciliation.  He speaks His Word of affirmation in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  He gives you His undivided, quality time as you turn to Him in prayer.  You receive His good gifts of forgiveness, salvation, and eternal life in Baptism and His body and blood.  How more could Christ serve you than to carry your sins and to die for you?  What is more, God shares His physical touch through the loving touch of all believers, the body of Christ.

How can we better express and understand our love for each other?  First learn how God shows His love to us.  Spend some time together listening to and studying the Scriptures.  Then, explore the five love languages together, in a couple’s Bible Study or with a Christian counselor.   Just as Christ’s sacrifice healed our broken relationship with the Father, so too can our sacrifices of love for our spouse bring us into a more loving relationship. 

It may sound or feel foreign to you to share love in the way that your spouse best understands it, however it will be loving to do so and it will strengthen your marriage.  Remember, learning any language takes time, but with practice and encouragement you’ll soon be speaking the love that each of you longs to hear, as well as the love of Christ to one another.  “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (1 John 4:11).

Amy Rast, MSW is Lead Counselor--Covenant Partners at Cross Connections Counseling and Training, and is pursuing a Masters in Deaconess Studies at Concordia Theological Seminary.  She happily speaks words of affirmation and enjoys quality time with her husband of 23 years.  If you have questions for Cross Connections, please go to “Ask a Counselor” found on our web site at CrossConnectionsCounseling

Teaching is active!  Deuteronomy 6 is a command to teach God’s laws.  Verse seven says, “Repeat them (the laws) again and again to your children.  Talk about them when you are at home and when you are away on a journey, when you are lying down and when you are getting up again” (NLT.)  That pretty much covers it, doesn’t it?  It seems we are always home, away from home, going to bed, or getting up!  So, we are to teach the ways of God all the time.

God’s Word doesn’t give us commands without giving us a means to carry out those commands.  The bible is a wonderful instruction book.  2 Timothy 3:16 says, “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives.  It straightens us out and teaches us to do what is right” (NLT.)  This passage is present tense!  The bible still does these things – right now in 2007.

The gospel of Jesus is precious, isn’t it?  Our sins are certainly forgiven and our salvation is sure as a result of Jesus’ sacrifice and our response of faith.  But grace doesn’t mean that we can do as we please. We are expected to live like children of God.  The Holy Spirit not only brings us to faith, but his job is also sanctification, which means change.  That means he is with us now and little by little changes us to become more and more like Jesus in every way, according to the instructions given in the bible.

God’s word talks about how we are to treat one another.  As brothers and sisters often do, we quarrel and bicker, don’t we?  But God expects us to work on that – and work rather diligently!  He wants us to live in peace and unity with one another.  One way to do that is to watch our mouths – the ways in which we communicate with one another. 

The Four Rules of Communication
In Ephesians 4:24-32, we can find four rules to help us communicate in a way that pleases God, our Father.  Let’s learn them, practice them ourselves, and teach them to our children.

Rule 1 (Eph. 4:25):  Be honest.

Speak the truth to one another – but speak only out of love.  It’s easy to speak truth lovingly when we give compliments or show affection.  “You’re such a good mom.”  “I love your new outfit.”  “It’s neat how you spend time with your son.”  However, when we have bad news to give, when we receive criticism, or when we’re angry, it’s not so easy to speak lovingly.

Perhaps it would be helpful to consider “assertiveness” here.  Assertiveness means that we behave and speak in a way that is respectful to ourselves and also respectful to others.  In other words, we honestly say what is necessary, but we do it in a way that considers the needs of the other person.  “I’m upset that you forgot to pick up Johnny for school.  I was late for work because I had to take him myself.  Is there a way that we can solve this problem so it’s not likely to happen again?”

Teach your children: Honesty + Respect = Biblical Communication

Rule 2 (Eph. 4:26-27):  Keep current. 

How easy is it to start with one problem and then begin to recall and bring up many other problems that happened in the past?  It’s very easy.  In fact, often when we are trying to deal with a current problem we get so side-tracked by the past that we have to ask, “Now what was it we were talking about originally?”  That’s why it’s important to solve problems as they come up.  It is overwhelming to let things go and try to solve many problems at once.  And, it is a sin to bring up things that have been worked through with confession, repentance, and forgiveness.  The promises of forgiveness are:

1. I will not bring it up to you again. 
2. I will not use it against you. 
3. I will not talk about it to others. 
4. I will not dwell upon it myself.
5. I will not allow it to hinder our relationship.

That’s why we can forgive 70 x 7 as Jesus requires – because every offense is treated as new!  A word of caution:  This does not mean that there are not consequences for sin that are carried out in spite of forgiveness.  For example, David was forgiven by God for his sins regarding Uriah and Bathsheba prior to the birth of his son by Bathsheba.  The baby, however, still died.

Teach your children: Addressing problems as they occur + confession, repentance, and forgiveness = Biblical Communication

Teach your children: The goal of unity + Anger energy aimed at the problem and used for problem solving = Biblical Communication

Rule 4 (Eph. 4:31-32):  Act!  Don’t react.  

“When I react, I ‘bounce off’’ your words or actions.  I let myself be controlled by what you say or do” (Quote from Faith Counseling Ministries.)

Most of us don’t like to be controlled by others.  We don’t like controlling spouses, bosses, or friends.  Why, then, do we allow ourselves to be controlled by someone else’s behavior toward us?  Why do we react to someone else’s mood, words, attitude, or even facial expression?  Often we say things such as, “he made me mad,” or “she put me in a bad mood,” or “when she rolls her eyes like that I want to scream.”  Those are all examples of reactions, and you can probably come up with a hundred more.

Galatians 5:15-17 says, “. . . if instead (of loving one another) you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out!  Beware of destroying one another. So I advise you to live according to your new life in the Holy Spirit.  Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves.  The old sinful nature loves to do what is evil, which is just the opposite of what the Holy Spirit wants” (NLT.)

God wants us to live according to the new person he is molding us into through the Holy Spirit.  He wants us to exemplify the Fruit of the Spirit with all of its manifestations – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.  These are the actions that mark us as children of God.

Teach your children: Acts (controlled by the Holy Spirit) – Reactions (controlled by Others) = Biblical Communication

In closing, the book of 1 Corinthians is a letter written by the apostle Paul to the Christian church which he had established in Corinth.  Paul was teaching and preaching in Ephesus when he received word that there was disharmony and division among new believers in Corinth.  The basic theme of 1 Corinthians is the application of biblical principles to individual Christians as well as to the Church.  The death and resurrection of Jesus Christ is a message that is designed to transform the lives of believers and make them different from the surrounding world.  The people of Corinth were destroying their Christian testimony because of their immorality and disunity.  Paul wrote in order to correct improper behavior and attitudes and to promote a spirit of cooperation and unity.  What Paul wrote still applies today.  Chapter 13 is provides a beautiful definition of love – one that we often hear at weddings.  Although lovely at weddings, it was not really intended for couples but for the whole body of Christ!  It is a description of how we are to treat one another!  Take time to read it and discuss it with your children. Take action and expect change.

Parents!  God instructs you to teach your children his ways.  Proverbs 22:6 says, “Teach your children to choose the right path, and when they are older, they will remain upon it” (New Living Translation (NLT).)

One of the commonalities between 1965 and 2010 is the post-holiday let down that many people experience at this time of year.  Sometimes it even takes the form of a mild to moderate depression.  Often the reasons for this drop in mood are easy to understand:  a few weeks of fun and frenzy and family and glitter and gifts and winter wonderland and white Christmas have melted into the reality of a rather drab, cold, long winter.  The parties are over, the decorations are put away, the family is back to bickering, and spring break is not even on the horizon.  Other times the reasons for the post-holiday blahs are more subtle:  financial stressors due to the cost of Christmas 2009, weight gain accompanied by energy loss due to holiday goodies, fatigue due to emotional and physical stressors and unrealistic expectations throughout the season, loneliness that is more pronounced now that the celebrations have ceased, the realization that things put off until after Christmas have now become pressing, or already broken New Year’s resolutions.  

Recognizing the problem and the reasons is only part of the solution.  Now it’s time to take action to turn the blues into blue skies (even amid the gray skies of Indiana.)  Perhaps a few of these ideas might be helpful to you:

1. Get involved in a group or organization at your church.  Sing in the choir, take Stephen Ministry training, check out LWML, attend the men’s prayer meeting, volunteer to serve on a board, or join a small group.  See what’s going on in your congregation.
2. Start your own small group. . .perhaps a book club or a bible study.
3. Learn a new skill.  Long winter nights and weekends allow practice times.
4. Clean up some clutter.  There is great satisfaction in an organized closet or drawer.
5. Start an exercise program (or restart the one you used prior to the holidays!)
6. Write notes of appreciation to those who have influenced your life positively.
7. Give yourself permission to relax in your own way.  Are you an artist?  A dancer?  A writer?  A movie buff?  Do you like theatre?  Long bubble baths?  Brisk walks?  Unwind in your own way!
8. Pray.  Keep a prayer journal.
9. Read God’s word for understanding and direction.  Make changes that you know are God-pleasing.  Find an accountability partner.
10. Keep a reminder of Christmas on display all year!  Christmas is the time we set aside for remembering Jesus’ birth, but the meaning of Christmas is God’s truth for all time.  A treasured nativity set, an ornament, a candle, or another memento can be a meaningful, daily reminder of God’s love for us in the form of a baby in Bethlehem.

Usually the holiday blues will dissipate as life returns to whatever normal is for you.  However, if the low feelings don’t go away in a few weeks and are not helped by simple modifications in your lifestyle, consider talking to your pastor, a caring friend, a Stephen Minister, or a Christian Counselor.   Some signs of a more serious depression, as compiled by Mayo Clinic, are:

• Loss of interest in normal daily activities
• Feeling sad or down
• Feeling hopeless
• Crying spells for no apparent reason
• Problems sleeping
• Trouble focusing or concentrating
• Difficulty making decisions
• Unintentional weight gain or loss
• Irritability
• Restlessness
• Being easily annoyed
• Feeling fatigued or weak
• Feeling worthless
• Loss of interest in sex
• Thoughts of suicide or suicidal behavior
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

If any of these symptoms are persistent in your life, please seek help.  If you have thoughts of suicide, seek help immediately.  Depression is a treatable illness.  You don’t have to suffer alone.

In these times of uncertainly and change – from season to season, life stage to life state, age to age – how comforting it is to know that our Lord and Savior is certain and unchanging.  A blessed 2010 to all of you from the staff at Cross Connections.

Teach your child to recognize bullying. Open the lines of communication by talking to your kids about bullying. Define bullying so your child knows what it is. “Getting wisdom is the most important thing you can do. Whatever else you get, get insight” (Proverbs 4:7). Our children must have a clear understanding of what bullying is in order to recognize it and protect themselves and others.  If the following are true, it’s bullying:

• Deliberate hostility and aggression
• A victim who is less powerful that the bully
• An outcome which is painful or distressing for the victim

Teach your child to not be a bully. “Kind words are like honey-sweet to the taste and good for your health” (Proverbs 16:24).  Your child must understand that bullying is not only hitting, but hurtful words as well. Children do not have to like everyone, but they should never be cruel to anyone!

• Pray with your child. “When you pray, I will answer you. When you call to me, I will respond” (Isaiah 58:9).
• Pray for the bully, reminding your child that the Lord loves the bully, too. Explain that you do not need the perfect words because God understands our hearts. “For we do not know how we ought to pray; the Spirit Himself pleads with God for us in groans that words cannot express” (Romans 8:26.)Teach your child to be ready to forgive the bully for hurting him. “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior.  Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you (Ephesians 4:31.)

Teach your child the following communication skills for dealing with a bully.

Practice assertive communication.  People respond in one of three ways:  passive, aggressive, or assertive.  Passive people believe the rights of others are more important than their own rights.  Aggressive people believe that their own rights are more important than the rights of others.  Assertive people show respect for their own rights and for the rights of others.  Victims are often PASSIVE.  Bullies are often AGGRESSIVE.  The goal is ASSERTIVENESS.

The following are examples of assertive responses:

1. When making requests:

• Be clear about what you want. (That’s my pencil and I want it back, please.)
• Make your request short and precise. (I need my pencil returned now.)
• Decide what you want and stick to it. Be a broken record.  (I want my pencil back, please.  That’s my pencil and I want it back.)

2. When saying “no”:

• Stand up for yourself.  Say, “no” firmly.  Don’t yell, but speak confidently.
• Don’t get angry or upset.  This is the response bullies look for.  Instead, just say, “No.”
• Don’t give in to pressure.  Repeat the word, “No.”
• If you’re not sure and someone is pestering you for an answer, say “I need more time to decide.”
• Don’t make excuses or apologize.  Just answer, “No.”
• Offer an alternative.  “No, I don’t want to go to a movie.  Let’s play a game instead.”

3. Use “I” messages

• “I” messages are assertive and respectful.  Fill in the blanks:  I feel _______________ when you _______________.  I need you to _______________.  (I feel sad when you make fun of me.  I need you to stop.)

Teach your child to seek safety when in danger. 

1. Take appropriate action to get away from the bully whenever your child feels unsafe: walk or run to a trusted adult.
2. Tell an adult such as parents, a teacher or pastor. Bullying is serious, and it is not tattling to ask for help from a trusted adult.
3. Never risk physical harm to protect possessions.
4. Don’t play or walk alone.  Hang out in groups of kids.

If your child thinks he’s being bullied, don’t try to talk him out of it – instead listen and help him solve the problem.   If your child is bullying others, teach him appropriate ways to communicate and relate to others.  You may wish to seek professional help if there is no improvement or if your child develops symptoms such as anxiety, depression, isolation, anger, or other worrisome behaviors.   Always cover the situation with prayer.

Q:  I’m ashamed to say that my co-worker and I often engage in angry conflict.  We’re both Christians, but we’re both stubborn also. We can’t seem to solve this problem and it’s really hurting our relationship.  What do you suggest?

A:  When faced with a problem, everyone has the potential to become angry. Mishandled anger is one of the major roadblocks to communication and often leads to conflict. In the New Testament, Paul distinguishes the feeling of anger from the behavior that follows anger (Ephesians 4:26-27.)  We clearly have choices about how to deal with the emotion.  It need not control us. God accepts anger as a normal experience in life but points out that the way we deal with choices to manage it makes all the difference in our relationships.

Mary Kassian, in the book Conversation Peace, says that God-pleasing communication is sacrificial because the focus is not on self, but on others.  In God-pleasing communication it is more important to understand than to be understood, to listen than to be listened to, and to give than to receive.  The writer of Proverbs 18:13 agrees and says, “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and shame.”  

What is conflict anyway? Ken Sande in his book The Peacemaker tells us that conflict is a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrates someone’s goals or desires. Conflict is not necessarily wrong or bad. Conflict can help us make better decisions because different people working together can disagree, challenge each other, and through discussion make better decisions.  Conflict often serves to strengthen us and help us grow. Sometimes conflict forces us to better understand each other. The Bible teaches us that we should be in conflict with the world and its ways.

On the other hand, conflict is not always neutral or beneficial. Often it is in conflict that our sinful nature is revealed. Conflict always begins with some sort of desire.  When we see that desire being essential to our well-being, it moves from desire to demand.  We enter into sinful conflict when we desire something more than we desire to honor God and are willing to sin to get it (James 4:1-4.)  

Often it is not what we want that’s the problem, but that we want it too much.  C. S. Lewis writes in The Four Loves, “We know that every natural impulse, however innocent in itself, may stand between God and us, and so become an idol.”  To identify idols, ask yourself the following:  “What do I want more than I want to please God?  What do I want so much that I am willing to sin to get it?”  Some common desires-turned-demands are comfort, pleasure, respect, success, power, approval, significance, freedom, recognition, and love.

Sinful conflict includes self-righteous attitudes. Eighty-one percent of 21,501 couples surveyed by the company Life Innovations disagreed on who was responsible for their conflict.  In other words there was not a sense of mutual responsibility for their problem; rather they believed that one was more to blame than the other.  Blamers spend a lot of time and energy trying to change the other person when, if fact, relationship problems are rarely one person’s fault.  

Blame is closely associated with criticism.  Criticism involves attacking someone’s character, rather than a specific behavior.  It starts with a complaint about a specific behavior but deteriorates into general accusations. Words can harm.  Read James 3:5-8. What does he have to say about toxic, negative words?  

In the seminar guide, “Blessed are the Peacemakers” developed by Ambassadors of Reconciliation and adapted from The Peacemaker by Ken Sande, it states that God provides the perfect way to address conflict, beginning with the conflict between him and us. We are guided by what God has done for us and what he commands us to do.

The following are approaches to resolving conflicts biblically.  These points of conflict resolution reveal our foundation in the Gospel.

1. Overlook an offense (Proverbs 10:12, 1 Peter 4:8) Can love cover it?  There are many disputes that are insignificant and should be resolved by quietly overlooking the offense. Overlooking is a form of forgiveness and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into anger.

2. Negotiation (Matthew 7:12, Philippians 2:3-4) 

P-A-U-S-E Principle for Negotiation

Prepare with prayer, get the facts, go to God’s Word, think options
Affirm relationships  
Understand concern, desire or need of the other  +
Search for solutions – prayerful brainstorming
Evaluate options 

3. Confession and forgiveness (James 5:16)

Q: Most pastors and laypeople are well aware of physical abuse and how destructive it is. However, there also is emotional, verbal and psychological abuse that is certainly as hurtful, and perhaps even more destructive.

Author Denise George has a new book titled, "What Women Wish Pastors Knew."  She illustrates a case in which the husband wanted to control his wife's every move "through intimidating manipulation." He keeps her isolated from friends and family, and tells her she is stupid and worthless. She says this woman was "so beaten down emotionally that she endures his ... demeaning insults."  

Charles Colson states that "Shocking as it may seem, domestic abuse is about as common in Christian homes as it is anywhere else. But too often, churches ignore the problem. Most pastors haven't been trained to deal with it and have no idea how to help or protect abused women, especially when the husband appears outwardly charming, easy-going and pious."

How can Christians best deal with this problem? 

A: The signs of emotional abuse are often overlooked and easy to deny. Emotional abuse is the consistent pattern of being treated unfairly and unjustly over a period of time by one person distorting another person’s sense of self resulting in the victim allowing the abuser to control him or her.  Sometimes the abusers are aware of what they are doing and sometimes they are not.                                                          

One of the most common consequences of past emotional abuse is an unhealthy relationship in the present. This can be seen in relationships with friends, coworkers, children, parents, and/or spouse. The question above refers to emotional abuse between spouses so I will concentrate our attention there. 

A common relational effect of emotional abuse is an inability to experience intimacy.  Abuse destroys trust. Even when one who has been abused in the past marries a healthy person, there are still repercussions for the couple together. There are many reactions to abuse that affect a marriage relationship.  

A common one is hypersensitivity, interpreting comments and actions with negativity, whether or not they are intended to be so.  Any part of the body that gets “hit” over and over becomes extremely sensitive – including one’s ability to think clearly about oneself and others. Another damaging response to emotional abuse is perfectionism which can cause extreme anger and apathetic indifference. No one is perfect and trying to be so is frustrating. Letting go of the need to be perfect allows one to release control over his/her environment. Both hypersensitivity and perfectionism cause damaging tension and confusion in the relationship.

Emotional abuse often damages a person’s relationship with self, replacing one’s own control over self with the abuser’s control.  The abused person no longer trusts him/herself.  Most importantly, though, emotional abuse can damage one’s relationship with God, causing doubt about God’s control and authority in his/her life.

So what is a Christian to do?  Ironically, forgiveness is the answer for the abuser and the abused because forgiveness returns one to a state of control.  Instead of reacting to another’s sin, forgiveness is an intentional response. It is helpful to show the abused that he/she has the ability and responsibility to act.  Romans 5:20 gives the abused and the abuser alike hope that God’s grace is stronger than any sin.

If the abuser is in denial over the abusive behavior, he/she won’t accept forgiveness.  The abused must determine in his/her own mind and heart that he/she wants to forgive.  The abused may find it necessary to remove him/herself from the relationship while he/she changes or until the abuser changes. Restoration has always been God’s plan and continues to be His plan for abuser and abused.  Our choices must be deliberate and reflect our growing awareness of God’s will for our life, and the needs of others.

Finding healing from the scars of abuse takes support and often professional assistance. It’s an opportunity to glorify God in the middle of sin.  Romans 8:28 reminds us that God doesn’t use just some things for our good. God uses all things for our good and the good that He seeks for us is that we become more and more like Christ.

Q:  I have a five year-old son who gets really mad every time I tell him no.  I’m worried that he will throw a huge temper tantrum next fall the first time his kindergarten teacher tells him to do something he doesn’t want to do.  Can you help? 

A:  Anger is something we all struggle with to some degree.  At age five, your son is starting to understand that anger can be a powerful tool that usually gets quick attention from adults.  

In order to answer your question, I’m going to make the assumption that, at least some of the time, you give in to his anger and your “no” changes to a “maybe” or even to a “yes”.  If that’s true, then it seems to me that he’s playing the odds that if he reacts with an angry response, you might change your mind.  Even if there is only a one in ten chance that you will back off, it’s worth the energy it takes to scowl, or yell, or stomp, or cry. 

Does that sound like what is happening?  If so, it’s called manipulative anger, which is anger that is designed to get the child what he wants.  When parents give in to manipulative anger, they inadvertently reinforce its use.  At age five your son does not have the cognitive ability to reason this out, but he does know what works!  You’ve taught him well!  

Now, you’ll need to retrain, teaching him that your “yes” means “yes” and your “no” means “no” (Matthew 5:37.)  Changing the way you respond when your child is angry will help him get his anger under control.  It might take some time to convince your son that you are taking back your role as his parent -- after all, he’s used to being the one in power -- but with patience and consistency you can bring his behavior in line with God’s desire that he respect and obey you (Colossians 3:20.)  

Let me ask you another question.  How do you respond to your child’s anger?  Do you get angry yourself?  If so, you join the ranks of many other parents who will have to admit to responding to anger with anger.  Even five year-olds can really push our buttons!  

If that’s happening, then it’s time get your own anger in check.  Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  When you respond to angry words/actions with angry words/actions of your own, the conflict escalates.  The use of calm (but confident) and loving (but firm) words that demonstrate self-control motivates a child to stay within the limits that you have set.  

May I suggest that you plan for the next time your child reacts to you in anger?  Try these ideas to cool down a hot situation:  

-- Write down at least ten gentle but firm answers and role play them with another adult until you’re ready to use them with your child.

-- Plan to delay your response to your son so that you are less likely to lash out in anger -- count to ten, sing the alphabet, or better yet, pray for wisdom to handle the situation in a God-honoring way.

-- Memorize scripture in order to bring to mind helpful verses during trying times.  Consider James 1:19 which advises us to be slow to speak and slow to become angry, Proverbs 29:11 which minces no words, referring to those who vent their anger as “fools” and Proverbs 22:6 which gives us confidence that our efforts will have sweet eternal rewards.

Q: Why do happy events often leave me feeling sad and melancholy? 

A: Even in the middle of joyful events, pangs of sadness often bubble to the surface, don’t they?  

The culprit is actually change.  Change is a mixed bag.  Sometimes we recognize change as bad -- job loss, death, divorce, illness.  When bad change occurs we can easily understand and accept the feelings that occur as a normal part of grief and loss.  

But why do we cry at weddings?  Why do we feel sick when we drop off our “baby” at college?  Why do we feel so forlorn when we’ve worked so hard for the retirement that’s finally here?  

The culprit is still change.  Even when the change is long anticipated and presumed to be happy and normal, grief and loss occur.  You see, good change still brings loss of some sort. 

Think about it.  The high school graduation of a senior son marks the end of childhood and all the blessings that children bring to a home.  The lovely wedding confirms the attachment of a wife to a husband -- she’s no longer daddy’s little girl but one half of a loving couple.  While retirement brings much needed time to explore new things, relationships and pride of accomplishment are often lost and it’s hard to understand how the company seems to do just fine without your presence.  

Grief and loss are a normal part of life that accompany the bad, but surprisingly also escort the good.  We may resist the feelings that all kinds of change bring, but that doesn’t keep them from surfacing.  

One way to deal with change is to accept that there will be times of sadness.  Stop trying to swim upstream and let the current move you along.  Resistance zaps energy!  

Next, talk to others who have been through it or who are especially compassionate listeners. That’s what Christian brothers and sisters are for!  Allow them to lighten your burden. (Galatians 6:2)   

Also, it might help to recall what was comforting when you experienced other times of grief. Try those tried and true things again.  

Mostly, though, depend on your Savior who never changes.  What comfort this gives!  In the middle of all the chaos and uncertainty in life, Jesus Christ is the same today as he was yesterday or last month or last year.  And, he will be the same tomorrow, next month, next year and, thankfully, forevermore. (Hebrews 13:8)  That’s something we can depend on!